So, last time I talked to John on the phone he kept telling me he loved me. Then I got mad at him for mocking me and he got mad at me for being mad at him. And he hasn't called me since, it's been ten days. And he never IMs me anymore. He always says he's busy. In other words, he claims he's been busy for the past ten days straight. He'd lost all his enthusiasm. Except one day when I told him I was going to move and he got upset because he doesn't like change and he'd just woken up to a dream where I hated him and never wanted to speak to him again.

I found that ironic. He's the one who said he was going to move to NJ and although he hasn't, he spends weeks at a time there. He's the one who left me four different times, stopped being my friend, led me on and went to Lyla and wouldn't let me talk to him. And now he's worried that I'll be gone? Like he expected to reject me for a year or two but if he ever wanted me, I'd be around.

But it's okay. Whatever. In any case, it's been ten days. He's been really rude, but I keep trying because I get bored when James isn't talking to me. So he keeps saying he doesn't care. The kind of "I don't care" that actually means "I do care, but I'm trying to make myself believe that I don't." So I said, okay, let's just get it all out right now, you officially don't care about anything I say or do, anything about me.

And he starts lashing out at me saying that I'm really annoying and that's why he hasn't talked to me because I'm too aggravating and I'm a brat and for someone who wants people to think me mature and wise I make it really hard and everything I say is bullshit and I always want to be right.

And I was shocked and hurt that he had had a reason for not talking to me even though I asked him a million times and he kept saying it was only because he was busy. So I said, that's all you needed to say and I would have left you alone and I blocked him. And then I knew he was going to come on aim so I went to block his name but he'd already signed on and began talking to me. Bitching some more. So I blocked both of his aim names.

But then I realized that I was mad at him for not expressing any of this stuff. I mean, if you tell me that I'm always trying to be right and it's really bothering you, I'll try to stop. I enjoy making people happy and I don't enjoy being difficult. But when you tell that I'm a huge bitch and you hate me BECAUSE I always have to be right, it's not really the right remedy to get me to want to change.

But here I was, not letting him express what he had to say. And I really don't like that. I did it to Loren too. He kept it all in even though he thought I was a brat and a whiny baby and then as soon as did express it I punished him for it by never speaking to him again. But that's a huge hypocrisy because I want people to express these things. I want people to be able to communicate with me and with each other, express how they feel.

Verbal abuse has a cruel intent and it's unhealthy. But as I did with Garland when I didn't want to hurt him but I knew that I had to be honest about how I felt otherwise I would go insane. It's worse to lead him on, I imagine. It's not kind to lie to people. It's healthier for you and your relationships to say what you feel. Not blame, but express how you feel.

And if John had done that without blame, I would have eagerly changed my attitude and tried to be more agreeable. But I still had to let him express it. Even if he was doing it wrong, I knew that I couldn't punish him for doing it.

So I unblocked him on msn and apologized for cutting him off and told him to keep bitching. But he then bitched about how I wasn't worth explaining to and that I should go on being a brat. So I said k. And then he said the stuff about not being wise and mature. And I said, a wise and mature person understands that it takes a wise and mature person to understand wisdom and maturity.

And I think it does. Because no matter how wise and mature you are, there will always be people who perceive you within their limitations. People who can't understand wisdom to its fullest. And although I don't go around calling myself a wise and mature person, I know that no matter how much of it I gain, there will always be people who inexplicably hate me and think that all I speak of is utter nonsense. And it takes wisdom and maturity to learn to let those expectations go. To understand that people will not always treat you the way you'd like.

Ironically, I think they do treat you the way you deserve to be treated in the sense that you magnetize even bad behavior - mirror universe. But you learn that it's more unhealthy for them than it is for you. It hurts you less.

I've just gone through too much of this lately to make handle this mistakenly. So after I said the wise and mature thing he said it was more bullshit and I just simply said okay. I don't need to prove myself to him. I'm shocked because I didn't know that he had the potential to hate me so much. It's ironic because it's the exact situation he said had just happened with him and his cousin, where his cousin unexpectedly lashed out at him and said he hated him and etc. I'm surprised that John can't see the parallel, that he's acting like his cousin.

But, I know that I don't need to earn his affection, that indeed I can't earn it. And if he feels this way about me, there's nothing I can do to prove him wrong. I think its in the blame. When people see that you've been acting unfair or doing something wrong you know that they'll respect you when you change. But when people take in the blame mindset, you know that it's no longer about what you do, it's about your intent, it's about what it expresses.

And I think it expresses his hatred and unwillingness to forgive or love himself. I think that when you have compassion for yourself, you have compassion for other people. You treat others the way you treat yourself. Because we are egocentric, reality does revolve around us. On the surface, it doesn't seem to. But the significance, the analysis, the observations, the focus, the perception of how we understand reality, is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves, what we're doing to ourselves.

And I think I've learned that we no longer can have a wall that blocks us from harm. No protective force shielding us from these things. Because the idea of a shield is that you feel you need something stronger, more powerful than you are to protect your weak, delicate flesh. But I think we have to be not only translucent in the sense that any negative energy passes through us - we don't absorb it and let it destroy us, neither do we block it and send it back to the universe. But instead of being merely translucent, I think that we have to transmute it.

In an argument, there always has to be a winner and a loser. I have always wanted to be the winner. And I would stop at nothing to be the winner. But I never realized that every time I stopped at nothing to be the winner, I was also stopping at nothing to be the loser. Even to people I like. If I was in an argument, I did my best to put them in their place - and I didn't really realize that the place I thought they should be was one of blame and shame and hatred.

Do I really want other people to feel that way? To go through that? Do I desire people to suffer?

I think when you, yourself, are suffering, when you're in that place of fear and hatred and blame and shame, yes, misery loves company, you want to punish people the way you're punishing yourself.

But I no longer want to be in that place. And I no longer want to put people in that place. It's not my responsibility to keep people from putting themselves in that place. But I know that it's no longer my intent.

And I think it's the same with this idea of negative energy hitting you. When you have defenses, when you are defensive with a wall or a shield, the energy is blocked and then bounces off of your shield and back at them. That's what you do in an argument, you want to protect yourself from their blame, so you try to make them feel bad about themselves. Like when they say you've done something wrong and you immediately focus on something they've done wrong that you feel is worse and therefore makes your faults seem less so.

But is that what we want to do? You might think that them getting a dose of their own medicine is what they deserve. But is that what we want? Do we want to send that energy back into the universe? It's like a forward. You send it to someone who sends it to someone who sends it to someone. It survives. Someone sends you negative energy, hate, like John just sent me. You put up your defenses and it goes back out into the universe. It hits someone else and they put up their defenses and it bounces off and hits someone else. You can't have that much negative energy in the world, thriving, so to speak. It has too many ramifications for humanity, for the earth.

You have to be enlightened enough to know that you have the power to take in the energy and transmute it. You have to understand that your energy can conquer any of this negative energy.

Apparently, energy doesn't ever disappear. Scientifically proven, apparently. It can only be transmuted into something else. And positive energy can be transmuted into negative energy. But negative energy can be transmuted into positive energy. Not negative energy exists without the misuse or perversion of positive energy. And the only way to undo it, is to take that energy and transmute it.

In reality, it's a lie that anything can hurt you. Inferior energy cannot conquer superior energy. The Devil is not God's equal counterpart. There is nothing to fear but fear itself in negative energy. We put ourselves through pain and suffering because we believe its possible. But it's not, that's a lie.

And it's kind of interesting because after I blocked John, I sat there wanting to be hurt. It was weird. Like the wave of pain that I'm used to wouldn't come. And I wanted it. It was like a wave of pleasure I was being deprived of. And then after I unblocked him and he said a few more things and I rolled them around in my head and then compared it to other pain, compared it to Loren betraying me, especially since John knew how betrayed I felt by Loren.. and something I told myself finally made the pain hit me. And it felt good. I cried and it felt good.

It was so odd. Like it didn't hurt me but for sentimental reasons I wanted it to. For masochistic reasons I wanted the pain that hurt so good. It was just really odd.

And I wanted to talk about it. You know how someone says you're fat when you're like a hundred pounds and they mean it, like they seriously believe that you're a horrible person because you're too fat and you just want to tell everybody so that they can see how ridiculous it is, so that you can show how much of a martyr you are, how much of a victim you are to such ridiculousness?

It was like that. I just wanted to come in here and label all the ridiculous things he'd done so you and me could laugh at it. So we could pity me for having had the misfortune of experiencing all that. Like I wanted to be a victim. I wanted to be a victim and I wanted to be in pain.

You realize that behind the illusions of victimization and hurt, everything comes down to your Will.

I know that no negative energy can withstand my purest energy of Being. It can't survive. It just becomes extinguished in an instant. Not reflected, not sent back out to the universe. I don't have or need a shield. It simply can't survive within such superior light. God's light.

The only thing that can happen, is I can believe in an illusion. I can believe that it can hurt me. And though it can't, it can survive if I believe it to be possible, because I disconnect myself from the source of light when I believe in illusions. But there would be no negative energy to "survive" if we didn't believe in illusions.

Incidentally, I also wrote James a letter today admitting that I have feelings for him. But I didn't send it.

I was sitting there thinking about having sex with him, cause it's been something we've been talking about a lot lately, though we're both really shy. And I thought, I shouldn't do it. I shouldn't do it because it's compromising my values to sleep with someone who I don't have feelings for. It's lowering my standards.

But I do have feelings for him. And I thought, I need to tell him. I need to put myself on the line. I can't go on doing what I did with Dan and John, not asking anything of them, just letting them take. I have to express from James what I want.

And I was like SHIT. This is James. He will be out of here in a millisecond. He's so unreliable. Everything makes him uncomfortable. He'll freak out and never want to talk to me again. I'm sure he just can't stand it when people have expectations for him. And I don't resent it, I completely understand. I've been going through the same thing since I broke up with Mike.

But he wasn't online so I started writing it to him on my computer and I got like ten paragraphs, of course, cause I can always find enough to say. And I said a lot of stuff... But he still hasn't been on.

And I was thinking a little while ago that it may not be the best idea to send it to him. I don't know that it will makes things better. I think I'll freak him out or it will make things awkward. I haven't decided yet. Instead of just sending him what I wrote, I think I'll go with the flow and see if an opportunity arises.

But it's like when you're supposed to write a letter to someone that expresses all those things you don't want to say to them and then you're supposed to burn it. Well, actually, I think those are supposed to be bad things that you burn. But maybe not. I think the most important thing is never about the connection between you and someone else. Why? Because the most superior connection you can have with someone else is spiritually. It's not something you can have on the surface. And the only way you can spiritually connect with someone is to spiritually connect with yourself, connect with the whole, Brahman.

But, you do need to communicate with yourself. Express these things to yourself. So although I may decide to still speak to him about it, I think it was most important that I told myself everything in that letter. Because I wouldn't do it, I wouldn't write entries about how I felt, I wouldn't admit it in a survey. I was avoiding it. Because I wanted to make sure that I wouldn't open myself up and then he'd run away. Like not even open myself up to him, because I really never have fully admitted these things to him and he still freaks out and goes away.

I was doing it because I was afraid and I thought I needed to admit these things TO HIM to prove that I wasn't afraid. But after I'd made the decision to write it to him, after I'd already gotten through it, I realized that I really wasn't afraid of him reading it. I'm not afraid of him knowing. I don't want him to leave because he feels its now awkward. I don't want to give him a reason to leave. And maybe that's fear as well and I have to brave his decision to go away.

But I also think that he probably already suspects it. I mean, I talk about sex only, but I don't really think he's stupid enough to not realize that I'm a girl and it's more affectionate and fond for me than just lust. And I think that I need to take things slow, if anything. I want him to be able to feel comfortable with me and I can't penetrate his bubble, I can't put expectations on him. Which I actually wasn't doing in my letter, I didn't really ask him out or ask him how he felt about me. But I did underlying, I think. I think the point of expresses something like that is because you want them to return the feelings. Yes, that is my hope. I do wish he would return the feelings. But I know he has issues and I can't just jump into that with him. It will most likely freak him out. I can be patient...

It's the fight or flight reflex. And I don't want him to flee if I scare him. I hope he won't be gone tomorrow or the next day. I hope I get a chance to at least make out with him. We have had so many opportunities and we've both known that we're sexually attracted to each other because I arranged for us to have sex that one time two years ago. Though we didn't.

Anyway, I need to be cautious. Cautious of my own fear. So that I don't blindly accept it when I shouldn't. I asked him if he would tell me next time, just tell me that he's done instead of running away. And it's surprisingly contradictory. Because he's running away to avoid connection or communication that he would have to establish by telling me he needs to run away. But it's hard never knowing if he's gone for good or if he just simply forgot to answer a text that afternoon. But I need to trrry not to be afraid.