This is proving to be harder than I thought. This purging of my fear with people. I need to start believing that James likes me. That he can and has no reason not to like me. He doesn't have to. But why should I sit here providing reasons why he shouldn't? I should be sitting here providing reasons that he should. If I'm timid with my good attributes because I don't want them to be rejected and then all I do is focus on my bad attributes, how do I expect this to become anything but a bad experience?

I need to stop feeling so damn apologetic. Like I have anything to apologize for! I always tell people that the word "annoyed" is a verb. And "annoying" is not a quality. You can't BE annoying. Because you need someone to perceive it, and feel annoyed. You are who you are and some people will find it obnoxious and some people will find it charming. I think the annoyed emotion is closer to home than we think. We feel like it originates in the annoying person, like it's an inherent quality and we have no choice but to acknowledge it for what it is. But that's not how it is.

I have and show all the admirable qualities. Positive, accepting, fair, fun, just, kind, smart, playful, spunky, easy-going, conversational, curious, compassionate, honest, mature.

I try to be everything I'd admire in someone else. I know that it can be annoying to have someone like me around. Because I contrast bad qualities. Not that I don't have my own but what good qualities I have, contrast bad qualities that others have. And I know that my own expectations are felt by others. As I said, the annoyance originates with them.

And of course, there are times that I'm difficult, stubborn, mean, uncooperative, selfish, controlling, demanding. :) But I try. My goal in life is not just to be whatever I feel the impulse to be. I don't have all my good qualities because I was born with them. I have them because I chose to feel and act this way. Not everyone appreciates it. Not everyone admires it. But I admire it. I'm glad that I'm someone I can respect. That I'm someone I'm not ashamed to be. I'm glad that I feel harmoniously more than I feel chaotic. I'm glad that I'm not afraid to push the chaos out when I get sick of it.

I know that people who don't like themselves, feel that anyone who does like themselves is automatically arrogant. They feel that because they need someone else to validate their personality, that it must mean that everyone else needs them to validate their personality.

James may not like me. But I know that I don't need him to validate my personality, my good qualities. I don't need him to tell me that I have good qualities. Because I already know my worth.

My qualities don't make me better than anyone, of course. There's a fine line between recognizing your worth and taking pride in it. I hope I don't fall prey to the latter.

I have to stop being afraid that he won't like me. Because I know that even if he doesn't, I'll still be someone I admire. I'll still be someone with worth. And I'll have many more opportunities to connect with other people who will, no doubt, connect with me better than James ever could. Right now, James is a good option. But life brings changes and changes bring new connections, new people. When I need new options, I'll have them. I won't be stuck, abandoned, unloved.

I don't have to panic and feel like this is my one and only chance.