I feel like I'm betraying James's trust if I talk about him in a public place. Probably because he's so private.

I slept over at his house the other day. Because his dad and his stepmom - they're probably not married but anyway, they were in NH and James's little sister and brother from his mom's other boyfriends were down there with James so that James wouldn't have to stay in Hoosick.

Did I write this all ready, it feels like deja vu. Anyway, I'll tell it again. I spent some time with his little sister cause we were good friends back in the day, even though she was like five. And Jon and Justin were there, obviously, cause they live there. Jon had Shannon over, but I ignored her. I was too busy chasing James with a squirt gun.

Aside from the squirt gun it was pretty much like Andrew's party. We played cards, had some 5%proof alcohol and went swimming. He did actually get naked, but I didn't because his little brother and sister were still up. Though it was night time. His pool is heated, which is nice cause cold water can be annoying. But also kind of annoying when you want to cool off.

So then we played cards some more but gave up on war and drove to my house at like 2 in the morning to get CSI. And basically we watched that all night. And cuddled some more. Ahah. It turns me on a lot.

But I'm still not in the clear now. I shouldn't complain. It's not that I'm unhappy. I just can't say things like, it's going really well because every time I think we're connecting, he ditches me for a year. And maybe that's why he does it. I did it for the same reason, I didn't want to connect with people and truth be told, I'm just as afraid to connect with James.

Emotionally I trust him, surprisingly. But I'm still really insecure as well. Mostly about my body.

And I can never tell how he feels. Although I did get him to admit that he wants to have sex with me. You'd think I would be safe to assume that. But I don't like to assume that. There are a lot of guys who wouldn't have sex with me. Some guys have no boundaries but a lot of it is fantasy, as in, they may think about having sex with any pretty girl but would they pursue it. And I know that James finds me attractive, although my insecurity is telling me otherwise, but I didn't know if when he was with me he wanted to have sex with me, as a reality.

Of course, with James, that's unlikely. Cause he's like me and he doesn't like to connect. I want to have sex with him too but making it a reality is scary.

Some day.

He did apologize today, for the fact that it hurts when he leaves me. It was nice, he's never apologized before. And he told me that he probably had more fun with me than he would have with Jocelyn. She's a girl he talks to but when I say girl I mean like 14 yrs old, so I'm not really jealous in that sense. But he invited her over before he invited me over and she said no and I'm not sure he would have invited me over if she had said yes. And he reassured me. And it could be true, but even if it's not it was sweet of him to reassure me.

He's kind of void. Just so reserved that there's almost nothing there to sense. So it's nice when he expresses things or shows compassion or empathy for my emotions.

He just sent me a text saying "I'll be finding your hair in my bed for 3 weeks."

That's what I'm known for. I tell Amelia it's my calling card. It says, "Melissa was here." She doesn't find it funny cause she thinks my hair is gross.

I like being buddies with James. I liked it last time too. I can only hope that he likes being buddies with me. I'm not even going to bring up the subject of romance, but if either of us ever stops being scared to make it a reality, I'm totally going to make out with him.

Even though he's REALLY skinny. I find it unattractive to look at but not to be pressed against.

Aw he's so cute. When his hair is wet and when he's concentrating while playing Spite and Malice. ...

I hope we're making progress and not just leading ourselves to a dead end like last time. Liz is mean, he should move on. But I can't tell him that because that makes it sound like I want him to move on with me. Heyyy I don't exactly want to envision him liking anyone else....

But I don't really think about it. I don't like the idea that I want people to become healthier just to give me what I want. :(