Feelin kind of dissatisfied today. Unsettled. I'm not sure why. I've got this thing with Starbuck's up in the air. I'd really rather not have a job in many respects, but since my parents are moving soon, I'm going to be moving out and I plan, at this point, to live on my own. Amelia doesn't want to live with me. So I need to start getting a steady income and see what I can make of it.

I've called every week for the past month. Pam said she'd call me when my background check results were in but she hasn't. I've talked to two other managers, one said he would leave a message for Pam to call me since my results were in. But she hasn't. I didn't call today because my dad is putting in a new bathtub and I didn't want Pam to ask me to come in today if I couldn't take a shower. I haven't washed my hair since Saturday. Which is more a mental anxiety than a physical anxiety. I like to feel clean. Otherwise I'm uncomfortable.

I also didn't want to call because I plan to go to James's this weekend. His mom's house, in Hoosick. And I don't want to have to tell them no, if they ask me to work. It's been obnoxious, trying not to make too many plans, knowing that at any day I may be asked to work, restricted from doing all these things I want to do. And I especially want this weekend to happen. But I've got to get this job thing going..

And it's been annoying that they HAVEN'T asked me to work.

I was doing well with the enthusiasm, but I feel nervous today about people. I haven't really talked to anyone lately. Well, except James and Andrew. I did ask Maegan if she wanted to hang out but she's in Wyoming. But in any case, I feel anxious and rejected about Pam not calling.. and uncertain about having human contact.

I was doing fine the other day with James. He came over and spent the night, my parents were camping and Isis was here so it was perfect. Nothing happened, unfortunately. I couldn't tell if he was actually sending signals that he didn't want to have sex or if I was reading signals because I wanted an excuse not to have to make a move. But he did seem to keep his distance from my body, or be turned away from me more often than not. Except when we slept and he had his arm around me. It's become customary. :p

So the next morning Andrew asked if we wanted to come over to his house. He wanted to come over to mine that night but James didn't want him to. Andrew has recently broken up with his gf and he's all heartbroken, so he wants to be around people and take his mind off of things. Sad stuff.

So we went to Subway and hung out at Andrew's for a while. Then we drove to Andrew's work to pick up money and James's work to pick up money and back to James's house and hung out with Justin for a bit.

James is such an innocent. He was sitting on Justin's bed and he asked if I wanted to sit down, since I was the only one standing. So I pointed to his lap and I asked if I could sit there. He thought I meant where he was sitting so he scoots over so I can sit there. Which was actually moving towards me, which I thought could mean he was moving towards me so I could sit on his lap, but I had a feeling it wasn't clear what I meant so I pointed to his lap again and asked if I could sit there and he said, You want to sit here? And I said yes, so he moved back to his original spot.

I didn't mind because a minute later his dad came in and that would have been slightly awkward. I dunno, he's 19, but he doesn't seem to want to open that door. Piss his parents off that way or something. Hard to explain. I think it's partly because they nag a lot. His dad's gf, who lives there, does.

In any case, like five minutes later, after I had sat down next to Andrew because James didn't get the picture about me wanting to sit in his lap, I said something about him not letting me sit in his lap and he finally got it and he was like, what? you asked to sit in my lap?

Ha. So maybe he'll be quicker to get it next time. I'm afraid to squish him anyway. He weighs as much as me.

So we took Andrew's car to Walmart. He's a crazy driver, speeds and shows off and does not turn nicely. I feared for my life a lot. No, I'm serious. I kept picturing accidents in my head. Because it was raining so the ground was wet and I didn't trust that the car would be able to gracefully move in such hasty movements without slipping. Yeah, I sounded to Andrew the way Amelia sounds with me.

Only I swear I was justified. I felt like a hypocrite but I swear I was justified. He was not following simple rules.

Later on James went 80 in a 45. Am I not to be afraid? Damn teenage boys showing off. But it was strange too, because Stephanie's fiance did the same thing. 60 in a 30. And either he wasn't paying attention over and over again, or he didn't care. And I was sitting there like urrrrrrg, just on edge, waiting for a cop to pull us over. But they never did. And although I think James is anxious about it too, the way he is with his parents, not wanting to cross them... Andrew and Jason were just so relaxed about it. So free from conceptualizing the consequences. It was a bit intriguing. That reckless freedom.

Andrew has this way of not understanding when people are annoyed or bothered. James seems more sensitive to it. When I'm at his house he doesn't want to piss his parents off and Andrew's like "they don't care, do whatever". lol. And I think Andrew just doesn't comprehend when people are bothered, and James is too sensitive to it.

Like me, I tell James that my parents do care that he sleeps over, but that I don't care that they care. In other words, I'm conscious of what pisses them off, but I fight it, because I want to do what I want, not what they want for their illogical reasons. It's hard for me to comprehend people who are 19 years old and are still calling their parents when they stay out too late. Like that one time with Kristen and Kyle.

Anyway, Justin, James, Andrew and I drove to Walmart. God. They listen to heavy metal/screamo type music. It is the most unpleasant thing I can comprehend experiencing. Sort of. 20 minutes of that, or perhaps 15 with Andrew's driving, and I got out of the car with my heart beating the wrong way. You know what I mean? Like the music just bashes at the rhythm of your heart and it just scrambles it so much that your heart can't feel its own rhythm. How any of these guys breathe at all amazes me. But I know from experience that some people are more sensitive than others. And some people think the effects are cool, even if they can feel them.

I just felt that it was extremely spiritually unhealthy. I never want to do that again. But James knows that it bothers me, so I don't think he would put me through that so intensely. Like blaringly, the way Andrew did it. He knows I don't like it too because of that time we went to the mall and I made James turn it off because I wanted to die, right then and there. It was so terrible.

Some of the music I can stand, but the screaming is just awful. If they sung, in an unsatanic way, I could deal.

It was kind of interesting being with them though. Because there were different dynamics than I'm used to. They feed off of each other's energy. So they act differently than if I'm with any of them alone or whatever. Boys will be boys, you know. And I'm not used to being around teenage boys when they're acting out in that way.

Every once in a while I would say things and none of them would respond or look at me and that kind of bugged me. :) I don't like to be ignored. And I couldn't relate to them. It makes me feel very female, knowing that I could just never act the way they did. If I had to explain it, I would say it was chaos. Just like the music. Which is probably one of the things that pushes them into that energy. Because you come away from that music and your whole system is in chaos, and then you express that chaos the way they do.

So James didn't buy that vibrating ring. I really want to try those.. He did buy me gum though. But I left it at his house. We went to BK afterwards. I didn't plan to get anything because its gross. But Justin was ordering his food and he wanted to buy me something so I ordered a double cheeseburger. Which I usually order but they put mustard on it this time and it was really gross. I guess I usually order it at McDonald's. In any case, then James ordered and I asked him to get me a Dr. Pepper. And then Andrew ordered and I asked him to get me fries. So they each got to be cavalier. You know, guys like buying girls things. It would have been unfair of me to only let one of them have that pleasure. :)

I was smiling my ass off. They knew the girl behind the counter from school or something and there wasn't anybody else there so it had a more friendly atmosphere. I guess I felt taken care of. I had forgotten my purse at Andrew's house, because I didn't know that we would eventually be going to Walmart or BK, not that I would have had any money with me, because PAM WON'T CALL ME. But they all individually had money and took care of me. It was really sweet.

And Justin also kept holding my door for me, he wouldn't let me open it for myself. Although after BK, in the car, he started to be really abusive. Really mean. They all kind of have that. Like they can all be really sweet, and then contrast it by being really mean. Like they'll randomly call me a whore and I'm like wtf? I didn't even do anything.

But I don't really get offended. I think it's part of that boyish energy they have. James calls all girls "bitches". And he calls me a slut sometimes. It actually makes me laugh. I think because he's sooo not the cocky male type that would normally call a female a bitch or a slut in a derogatory and condescending manner. He just does not emit that type of "I think I'm better than women" attitude. Even when his language says it. Like one time he left me a myspace pic comment saying that he would bang my mouth if he could. And normally, I would get so pissed if a guy said that to me. But it just makes me laugh when he does it.

I think the reason I don't get offended is that I feel it's a show. That James and Justin, especially, do it for show. Andrew doesn't, he has this weird attitude that he gives me sometimes, where he just crosses me and he gets all defensive. Like his attitude changes in a second. I hesitate in describing it because it's so very Andrew and it can't be put into words. I just feel like I can't say very much to him because he'll get offended. Probably what other people feel like with me. It's weird.

So Andrew can be really sweet and caring, but I feel like he's so willing to get mad at me. And he probably does have a lot of suppressed anger and aggression. He gets mad and he tries suffocating me with a pillow. Like he's not serious about hurting me, but he also doesn't care if he hurts me. I can't explain it without taking the Andrew quality out of it. I really don't like guys who will hurt women. Because physically, I can't defend myself. I will stand up to a guy, but I don't have the physical strength to defend myself in that manner. I didn't like that when I poked or slapped my brother, he would do it back. Because his pokes and slaps were obviously harder than mine and the fact that he was so tit for tat with me, when it wasn't tit for tat because mine was ten times less hard, was just a huge annoyance. Makes me glad he's in Utah right now.

Justin did the same thing at my house, he tapped my cheek a couple times just to be a punk. Ha! Luckily, I caught him off guard minutes later and I gave him probably the biggest slap I've ever given a guy. Except that one time with Eddie, I can't remember which was harder cause Eddie's was so long ago. It was awesome. But then I ran and hid behind James because I felt, just as I had with my brother, that he would get me back harder than I had got him.

But a few minutes later Andrew put his arms under my arms and pulled them up and Justin slapped my bare stomach. I almost don't remember what happened because it happened so fast. All I know is it hurt my arms. :( Damn them. I was actually more embarrassed about my stomach because I still have the spotty scars under the skin. I don't think any of them noticed because they were too distracted by my screams. And that's exactly why I screamed. :p

But Andrew can be rather nice. He likes to give and make women - I assume, comfortable. In fact, after Mike and I broke up, a myspace survey asked me what was the sweetest thing a guy had ever done for me. I'd just had five or six months with Mike and I couldn't think of a damn thing. So I wrote that the one time Andrew held my heavy backpack on the way to the park was the sweetest thing a guy had done for me. Mike is too selfish to be sweet. He's an idiot. I like my new friends better.

Justin hasn't been my friend because he was dating Kayla and Kayla hated me because she was jealous that Mike gave me all his attention and not her. She thought that I was forcing Mike to ignore her. When, now that I think about it, I could never force Mike to do anything. I dominated him emotionally, because I had the stronger character. But I could never make him go somewhere he didn't want to or do something he didn't want to or stop doing something he did want to. He didn't care about pleasing me, I think. I was controlling in the sense that I tried to emotionally dominate him. And I nagged, of course. But I didn't really control him that much.

James is probably less sweet than the other two, but less mean as well. Like he stays more consistent, instead of having such huge extremes. He does call me a bitch or a slut but he says it in such a quiet voice, it's barely audible. And although I can't fully understand the psychology, I don't feel threatened when he does it. I tell him I don't like it every single time, because why would I let someone call me a bitch? But it doesn't hurt me or make me defensive.

I actually think that being with Liz so long, sort of under her control, because he wasn't involved with anybody else and she was so hot and cold after they broke up, sleeping with him but being with a lot of other guys and the like... that he has probably built up this defensive attitude toward women. In the sense that, he calls them bitches and sluts in a casual manner to sort of equal the playing field. I know that a lot of other guys do it, but they do it in a much more disrespectful manner. James is just so timid, in general, that it's impossible to offend me.

Besides, I use logic. Like, for some teenage boy reason, Andrew and James kept talking about sticking large things up my vagina. I think they were implying that a lot could fit up there, which was completely illogical, which abusive language tends to be. But later on I told James that it's pretty dumb to talk shit on the very vagina he's trying to get with. I used the example, you don't call a chick ugly when you're trying to get with her. It seems kind of silly. If you really thought her an ugly bitch, why would you want to be with her? You flatter and idealize what you want to attain. Make it seem ten times better than it really is. Not insult it.

I make Andrew and James seem just awful in my descriptions. :p I really don't think they are. It bothers me when Andrew crosses me. Like we can't be together for too long without getting into an argument. Butting heads. And it surprises me for his personality. It comes unexpectedly. But otherwise he's alright. Justin I will say crossed the line. To go from holding the door for me to calling me a whore. I thought it extremely uncalled for. But I don't know him that well. However, he has already treated me like shit. He called me Satan along with Mike and his friends after we broke up and he took me off his myspace. So I forgive less easily. Although I didn't engage in it. I just ignored it.

So we drove home from BK and they were just off the fucking roof. It was not silent for the next hour. Like I said, they feed off of each other. When it's just me and James, I say things occasionally, he keeps silent. When it's me, James and Andrew, Andrew just babbles on and on about this and that, and we keep silent. But this time, all three of them were random, immature, abusive, loud, maniacal. They were like five year old boys running around getting into everything. Just that uncontrollable boyish energy. We were driving home, and we drove around Coxsackie, cause I guess they didn't want to go home. I don't remember them playing the music, which is good. But it was still so freakin loud, not a second's peace, because every time one of them would shut up, another would open his mouth.

I couldn't tell you what they said. Random things, obnoxious and immature. My stomach hurt from all my Dr. Pepper and I laid down in the back seat. James put his arm sort of around me and I thought that was sweet of him. Ugh. Makes me want to kiss him. In any case, while I was laying down, I couldn't see where we were but they kept describing things. Mostly "bitches" who were ugly. lol. I don't know. Teenage boys, what can you do? Andrew and Justin are barely 18.

I probably haven't witnessed this king of behavior since Mike and Joe. They were wild too, but more in a break the law, vandalize things manner. Which has gotten them more arrests than Justin, James and Andrew.

And yes, James joined in too. Which is kind of surprising. Since generally he's quiet. But apparently he can be immature and boyish too. It was fascinating to witness though. Loose canons. Though a small car isn't the best place for loose canons.

Pretty much nothing James can do except ignore me, makes me like him less, though. :p infatuation can ignore anything. Which is why I'm disliking Mike so much. Like I think of him and I'm like wtf? He is the last person in the world I could ever like or respect. Because I've finally realized I don't need him anymore, that I deserve better, that he won't be the only one in my life to accept me. Which, of course, he didn't even do, really.

Anyway, something about spending the night with James and then going out with them made me feel closer to him. But in a very teenage way. Like I don't feel a teenager when I'm with him, but being with the three of them made me feel very teenage. So I felt that James and I had that mystery and intrigue of a teenage romance. Like we were going to make out at a party. And making out is really badass. :p

I think because when I'm with them, I feel closest to James. And I told them about almost having sex with Mike in the graveyard and so when Andrew drove through another graveyard I suggested James and I have sex on one of the stones. It's just so casual and normal for me to express that about James in front of everybody. Like it's not a surprise, although Justin might have thought it was.

I can't even remember the chronology because we drove all around that day. We went to my house for a while to play with Isis outside, but I didn't really want Isis to witness that kind of energy and behavior. It was the only time I really resented it. Probably why I was so willing to slap Justin. My next door neighbor was having her graduation party. Justin and James had been invited. Destiny, who has hung out with James a little bit, during the nine months he wasn't talking to me, drove up with Kyle's sister. So of course they came to say hello. James is currently not talking to her, the way he wasn't talking to me. He says she's weird. I don't know her but I read her myspace comments and she was really vulgar. It was not attractive. I don't particularly like Kelly either, my neighbor. She came over for 20 seconds.

They had to come in my yard. It was kind of interesting. Cause I knew Destiny would be jealous that James was with me. And of course, they were having a party next door, which I wasn't invited to. But then again, I had the advantage. They both had to come into MY yard to talk to the guys. And you kind of feel like when there's 30 people next door swimming in a pool, you've still got the better hand when you're standing next to James.

Destiny is a bit annoying. But I can kind of see myself in her situation with James. And that annoys me too. Unrequited infatuation. And him ignoring it.

Although, at this point, that isn't my situation. :) So I can at least be happy about that.

Isis is really shy. Justin sat down in the car with her and she hung her head low, avoiding eye contact. It's so submissive it hurts to witness. So I put my hand under her chin and pulled her head back up and told her that she had nothing to be afraid of, he wasn't superior to her, she was just as worthy as him, to look him in the eye. She does that with all strangers, but as I said, I was slightly resentful towards Justin's behavior and I couldn't stand Isis being submissive to that.

Usually when Isis does it I just hold her and joke about how everybody she's afraid of is a huge, scary monster.

Isis is at a babysitter's now. Since Amelia will be moving out now she got a 9-5 job and got a 9-5 babysitter. Now I'll only have potentially two or three hours for 4 days a week to see Isis. If she's even home at that time. If I'm not working at that time, or out with my friends. I cried when Amelia told me. It hurts that Isis isn't mine. You know? Like you realize how she's really Amelia's kid. She's lived in my house for most of her life, she's felt more like a sister than a distant relation. But not I'm sulky, I don't really want to see her. I feel like the lines have been blurred, I don't know my relationship to her, I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about her. I don't know if my needs of her are unhealthy. Like I feel ashamed of how I feel about her. Like I have no right to be possessive of her.

It's another reason why - back to the original topic - I feel a little off. She's missing in an unsettling way. But aside from my selfish reasoning, it's probably productive and normal for Amelia to get a job and for Isis to spend time with other people aside from her family, probably other kids too. It was actually rather interesting, she came home from the babysitter's for the first time yesterday. And she was really different.

She was very, very, very loud. Very confident and brave. In a sense, she often is. But like this time, she yelled across the yard at my neighbor's dog. She yelled "DOGGIE". She was pretty much bouncing off the walls. And yelling all over the streets. And I think what most got me was, it wasn't like she was yelling for her mom or grandma. She was yelling to strangers (or a strange dog at least). She's always been interested in that dog, but has never spoken to it. I was just standing around and it was like she didn't need me. I guess I usually comfort her and stand by her side, hold her, etc. In that sense, as I said, I have felt like her mother rather as much as Amelia has. And the way a mother feels a little weird when she realizes that her child is beginning to become independent and not need her anymore - sort of empty, I felt that way. She didn't really even look at me or talk to me. She just went around the front yard with all this boisterous energy, such confident and brave energy. Like she was ready to conquer anything, even the dark that always barks next door.

And since she has these shy problems, this is probably beneficial for her. To spend all day with strangers. Heartbreaking for me, in some ways, but that's why the lines are blurred. Because I know that what I want has no relevance in her life. What Amelia wants does, because Isis chose to be born to Amelia, born to her decisions and life choices. But what's best for the both of them has nothing to do with me. They don't need me, and I don't really have any reason to be in their life.

And I guess that hurts because I'm crying. I've kind of shut Isis out because I'm sulking. Because I don't want to have to find an inbetween. And this is probably fueled by a past life or two because my mom told me once that I had karma with Isis, which means that I presumably have had a past life with her.

Anyway, back to James. Someone I can be attached to? I don't know yet. It's kind of funny though, from being around Andrew, I realize what needs to be done. The way that Andrew doesn't realize when people are bothered, he doesn't realize when he's talking too much or being annoying or when he's not wanted. So he always invites himself over. I don't find him annoying, and he is essentially James's best friend. But James always says things about Andrew annoying everybody and not wanting him around. Andrew just invites himself all over the place.

So he invited himself over to James's mom's house this weekend. And I was like, wow, that's how you do it. So after pouting every single time they mentioned it for a half an hour, James finally said I could come over too if I wanted. And I realized that I really should stop waiting for James to ask me over and just invite myself like Andrew. Although personally I'd prefer being wanted over. But James doesn't know what he wants. :p

I jest.

You can't go wrong, really. I'm driving myself the whole two hours there. Though I need the address for mapquest. It's really silly though, James, Andrew and I are each taking our car up there. Andrew has to come back early to work. And I wouldn't ask James to drive me because that means that he's stuck with me for the entire weekend. Although his little sister will be there so I can give him some space and play with her. But I want him to know that if he needs me to leave on Saturday that I can drive home.

Although... I'd reeeeally like to have sex finally. And we can't exactly do that while Andrew is hanging around chatting up a storm. :( So that's why I'm not going to go in Andrew's car, because then I'll be there only when Andrew is there.

I would say that I hope James is still willing to let me come. But as I said, you just gotta be like Andrew in invite yourself. I won't even ask him if I can still come. I'll tell him I'm coming. :p

Though now that I let him feel me up, I feel like he'll want me there more. Andrew says that's a whorish statement. I told him that it's not whorish unless I'm saying it about many guys. Otherwise it's the exact same thing as a lover would say. Although James and I haven't professed love, only sex. Though it's not whorish to agree to have sex with a friend. He's not using me anymore than I'm using him.

Andrew says, BUT YOU GUYS HAVEN'T HAD SEX SO YOU'RE NOT FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS, YOU'RE JUST CLOSE FRIENDS. And we almost butted heads over that. He seemed to feel the need to put me in my place. I can't call James my lover just because we cuddle and he feels my boobs and we PLAN to have sex. And I was very offended, because I feel close to James in a way that I never have and Andrew is just calling us friends. And to me, friends is unstable. I've been friends with James and he dropped me like an old hat. On the day that he bought a new one. Except he hadn't even replaced me, he just didn't need me anymore.

In any case, we all drove to James and Justin's house after my house. Justin went to his room. Andrew and James were doing whatever. I fell asleep on his bed for like 30 seconds. Cause we'd had very little sleep the night before. James woke me up, he was right in my face, I loved it extremely. I wanted to put my arms around his neck and hug him but I didn't dare so I only put one arm around him. They said they were going back to Andrew's to get his laptop so I got up.

James had left his dad's truck at Andrew's so he planned to drive that back. And Andrew didn't want to be responsible for driving me home later so James took me to my house and let me get my car. So we all drove back to James's independently. Though Andrew took longer because he was giving somebody from work a ride home. It was such a nice quiet ride without the guys. Funny, too, because my car is very loud. But compared to the guys, it was so peaceful and soft. I loved it.

Somehow James and I ended up cuddling on his bed before Andrew came. And I took off my shirt because in that feminist way I really think it's unfair that a guy can go around topless when he's hot and a female can't. I don't do it because usually I'm in public or around my brother and that's just a bad idea. And I wouldn't do it around my guy friends because a girl takes off her shirt and it's suddenly a sexually stimulated situation. But since James and I already have that sexually stimulated atmosphere, it seems like a good opportunity to use my right to go topless. Though I turned out the light and hid under the covers. :p just like the last time I did it when I slept over at his house.

Andrew came back. He likes to tell me that it's no big deal, he's already seen my boobs. Which irritates me, because he hasn't. And he always acts like it's so casual to see me naked, like I'm practically his sister. But I stayed topless and was pretty much confined to the bed. Though Andrew says he saw my side boob. And now he's going to repeat another 20 times that he's already seen my boobs and it's no big deal.

Finally James felt me up. You have no idea how frozen we've been with each other. Always really close but so inhibited from expressing any sexual or romantic desire. I don't know if he has any romantic desire to express, because obviously he doesn't express it. But since neither of us express anything, I'm left to wonder what exactly he's not expressing.

I feel like there is interest, but I don't know how much. I don't think he's in love with me, he's been so attached to Liz that it's a huge step for him to consider becoming intimate with anybody else. I don't think any other girl has tried to have sex with him, so he hasn't had an opportunity to do that, but she would have to be making all the moves. :p

It was nice though. I was leaning on James and he was giving me a neck and shoulder massage.

I don't know why I'm shy about my boobs. I think because of what I said before, you kind of go along with the energy of the context. When you're expected to be brave, you do it. Or sometimes when you're expected to be a coward, you defy it. But when you just have that helpless shy atmosphere, you go along with it. When I was with John, freakin... I was so not shy. Not in the least bit about my boobs. In general, I've been more comfortable with my boobs than any other part of my body. Even my face. Or something mundane like my arms. :\

And James has told me ever since day one that he likes small boobs. He's never said anything other than that. John, however, probably likes bigger boobs. Lyla has fairly big boobs. But I wasn't self-conscious with John and I was with James. It might be that James is sexier than John. You feel like you have to be sexier too, when you're with someone gorgeous.

But I wanted to shrivel up and die when he had his hand on my boob. I felt like nothing was there. I've been feeling kind of like that lately. I should stop being so self-conscious about it with them.

He jumped up because he thought that his dad or his dad's girlfriend had come upstairs and he didn't want to be caught with his hand on my boob. And he really never came back. He snuggled with me a little bit and it was so extremely sexy to be against his gorgeous, tan neck. Though I almost kissed it but didn't. But then he got up to see something Jon wanted to show up and when he came back, he sat at his computer and started playing WOW. And he pretty much ignored me for the next half hour. Neither of them said a thing to me, they just played WOW. So I got bored, and needless to say, annoyed. And I went home. I sarcastically told James not to miss me too much and he gave me one of his looks, kind of like I was insulting him by saying so. But it was true.

So I got home and started to talk to Andrew on aim, because he was the only one of the two signed on. And I asked him if my boobs were too small and he said that they weren't, that their size fit my personality and my body type. It was nice of him to reassure me. He must have told James, which I almost wanted him to do, but also preferred he didn't. I didn't want to let James know that I felt inadequate. But I also wanted James to be reminded of me, because he had been ignoring me. So Andrew telling him would be that reminder.

So the next day, out of the blue, James texted me and told me that he wouldn't want my boobs any bigger, that they're nice the way they are. It was really sweet to soothe my fears.

I was so nervous. So nervous that I couldn't even feel how fantastic it was to have his body against mine. It was just such the perfect opportunity to kiss. So expected, like there was nothing else to do. But now I was the one turning away. I did not want him to kiss me because I was so nervous. Part of that teenage atmosphere perhaps? I didn't want to be an inexperienced teenager sneaking around with her boyfriend.

It was easier to put his hand on my boob. But I was also offended. Cause he always warns me that he's gonna get hard. Like he said that if we cuddled in the junior tent, he would get hard. But he didn't. And he said if he saw my boobs, he would get hard. But he didn't. I think partly because he doesn't want to, because he's embarrassed, that's why he always warns me. But I don't think it's anything to be warned about. I like it. :\

But it also made me feel even more inadequate. Like I let him feel my boobs and instead of getting hard he ends up ignoring me to play WOW. Which, could also be because he was shy and he knew that nothing could even progress with Andrew in the room. Maybe it was awkward for him. I'm not sure. I just wanted to be back in his arms. And I had to pee but he didn't want me to go downstairs because then his parents would tell me to leave since he had work in the morning. Andrew was just like heyyyyyyy they don't care. It was only midnight when I finally left. Not bad at all. I would have stayed longer if James had paid any attention to me. I went and sat down next to him but he kept ignoring me. Then I even let him sit on my lap cause there was only one chair but he was heavy and crushing my full bladder so I got up and left soon after that.

I actually felt bad, cause I was kind of mad, so I said bye to Andrew and Jon and James wanted to walk me out, probably because Jon had walked Shannon to her car and they mentioned that it was sweet of him. So James offered to walk me to the door but I was mad so I ignored him. And then I closed the door because I thought he would open it up and come downstairs and go pee, as he said he had to. But he didn't and I turned around and he looked sort of sadly through the window like he was hurt I wasn't even going to say bye. So I said bye. I feel sad that he expressed something nice and I shut the door in his face. I regret doing that. But I was already hurt that he was ignoring me.

Not that he doesn't warn me that he'll ignore me for WOW all the time and I always say I don't care. Which is why I couldn't complain. And besides that, they hadn't been listening all day, they had periodically ignored me so I kind of just accepted it, instead of tried to make them give me attention when they didn't want to. I couldn't relax with the full bladder, and it made me more turned on, so I couldn't sleep and all I wanted to do was cuddle. So I was happy to leave even though I wanted to be around him some more. But I knew I was dodging only more irritation and hurt by leaving.

I can't wait to see him.... I'm so hopelessly infatuated. I just adore him so completely.