For the record, I'm not sure I handled that the best way I could. I said I wouldn't fight because then that makes someone ultimately the loser. I shouldn't have argued with him about who is right and who is wrong. But it's hard not to when someone tells you that you feel or act negatively towards them when you don't.

It is a catch-22. When someone establishes that you're to blame and that they hate you because you always think you're right and you make them feel like shit.

To disagree with that, you're trying to prove that the statement is wrong, which makes you only further prove that their statement is right that you always need to be right. And then they feel like shit because you're saying things to prove them wrong within your statement.

It's really just a stupid situation. You have to give me that, it's a difficult situation. I wanted him to know that I think he's equal. But if believe that I didn't think he's equal and then I tell him that I did, I'm proving him wrong, proving that his opinion was wrong. And that makes him feel like he's not equal.

I didn't intend to have a whole long conversation. I didn't intend to put him into a defensive situation so he would say all the stupid things that I hate to have to hear him say. Because then I'm forced to dislike it, to dislike his hypocrisy. To dislike his lies. I'm forced to dislike his lies. And they reflect on him. And then I don't think he's equal, then I can't respect him.

I truly do believe that he's projecting his own perception.

But I think in dealing with him, I'm making a hypocrisy of my own statements. Instead of trying to convince someone of something you should just send out love, send out positive energy. But now he's said so many ridiculous things I can't bare to send out love, to forgive him.

I try to be friends with him. I enjoy it. I enjoy his sanity. I just can't bare that he always has to bring his lies into the situation. Anything I say he disagrees with. If I tell him that he doesn't care, he says he does. If I tell him that he does care, he says he doesn't. If I tell him that he doesn't care but he thinks he does, he tells me he doesn't and why can't I understand that?

I do. But every time I do, you tell me that you actually do want to date me. Every time I believe that you're in love with Lyla, you end up telling me that you want to break up with her to go out with me. And every time I'm cautious and I tell you that you're still attracted to me, you tell me that you're not because you love Lyla immensely.

I try to believe you, John. I try to trust you and respect your decisions and opinions.

I try to trust and care for you.

I don't think I can bare getting used by you again. BUT FUCK. Every single time I call him on it, he acts like I'm an idiot for not realizing that he has absolutely no sexual interest in me and he would never do that to his gf.

Every single time I try to call him on it he denies it in the most sincere voice he can. You can't make someone in denial admit that they're in denial. And when someone so sincerely tries to convince you that they don't have feelings for you, you're going to sound a fool trying to convince them otherwise. So you don't. You just accept it.

He just will not admit the truth. It's weird it's like, no matter the situation, he's always earnestly trying to make himself believe the biggest lie possible. Like he only tells me he loves Lyla dearly when he's trying to convince me that he has no sexual attraction to me. And then when we're just friends, he tries to convince himself that he would do anything to break up with Lyla and be with me, until he realizes that it could become reality and then he's trying his hardest to make himself believe that he loves Lyla more than anything and never will speak to me again. Until he's safely with her and then he starts trying to make himself believe that he secretly loves me. Which makes him talk to me again but he has to play it cool so he tries to make me believe that it's not about romance or sexual interest it's pure friendship and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with Lyla.

Like there is no reality for him. Which, is true for everybody but they try to keep a consistent lie at least, not go around in cycles of nonsense.

I don't hate him for it. I just don't know how to make this a sane situation when it's so clearly not. I can't make this make sense, I can't make anything good come from this. I can't keep this under control, when he so quickly screws it up over and over and over again. He flirts with me until I call him on it and then he denies that he has feelings for me until he can admit to it on his own time, until I remind him of his gf and then he disagrees (with me, and conveniently forgets what he's just said) that he has feelings for me until I start believing it and then he has to prove he loves me again.

What can I do with this? What can I make out of it? I can't make a friendship, I can't make a relationship? I can't make anything normal or consistent or healthy or pleasurable for us both. It's all just nonsense.