Honestly, James and I are making progress. Progress towards what, I don't know. I actually think that we've made more romantic progress rather than sexual progress. We're still both maddeningly shy. I'm pretty much deathly afraid of this situation. I was so nervous I couldn't even enjoy his body against mine the other day. So nervous I can't enjoy how he feels against me! Despite the fact that I had been wishing for it like no freakin other the entire night before...

Though he did feel me up. That's sexual progress. But the last time I saw him I felt emotionally closer to him above all. I think he felt it too, but who am I to say? I could ask, but see, that's the thing about being deathly shy. You want to AVOID ALL AWKWARD SITUATIONS. And knowing that he wants to do the same makes me more shy. Know what I mean? If he didn't care, I would care much less. But because I'm aware that he cares, it makes me care more. I'm paranoid because he's paranoid. And frankly, I'm probably making him more paranoid because he knows I'm paranoid.

Well, I try not to let it show, actually. I act tough. :)

I feel pretty insecure. Not only about my body but about my abilities. Like my personality is not something I'm shy about, or at least it's not something I'll admit to being shy about. Though in the end it is my self-worth being questioned, the worth of presumably some type of person - thus, my personality... So I do fear especially what will reflect on my personality. I fear my own shyness because it makes me incapable of action. Inhibitions and all that good stuff.

I don't know what I fear. I shouldn't be afraid of James. He is one of the most nonthreatening people I know. But perhaps problematic because of his own issues. I feel like if I wanted to, I could become close to him. But I feel like because of his issues, I can't expect him to want to be close to me. Thus, I have to keep my distance for him - which only feeds my fear. Caution, it feeds my paranoia.

I'm so fucking excited to see him. He's precious.

I'm starting to get possessive though. The more delightful I find him (and incidentally the more sexy I find him... mmm..) the more I feel I could not bear to share him. I know, he's not even mine. That's what worries me.

Oh no. I have that possessive sexual mindset that Anastasia warned about! That's what an extremely tan, smooth neck makes a girl want to do. I don't know for how long I want to possess him. I mean, nothing lasts forever. But, right now, I've got almost nothing. I do get to wrap my arms around him, sometimes. Usually he's the one wrapping his arms around me. I can only hope it gives him as much satisfaction as it gives me. But I try not to think about it. My confidence and self-worth is not feeling very high lately.

Which I suspect is nothing new, it's only been resurfaced after pushing it out of my mind for many lifetimes. So I'm glad to be finally acknowledging it. I can't conquer a mysterious enemy. I have to face it, understand it, grow from it.

Though it's tough having such high hopes for yourself.. a relationship is only as strong as its weakest partner. You can put your all into growing and becoming a healthier individual - which will strengthen your relationships, becoming happier and more at peace. But it only takes one person to disrupt a relationship.

I'd like to magnetize strong individuals. But it's hard. As a psychologist-type, you see unhealthiness everywhere. Because that's what you do, is open your eyes to that in the psyche which stands out because it's counterproductive. At least, that's my interpretation of psychology. I'm not quite sure what the hell psychologists do. But what I'm trying to say is, I'm gonna see it if someone is imperfect, and isn't everybody here on earth imperfect, thus, the point of being here on earth?

Many people have found me absolutely impossible and hopeless. And yet, I'm completely not. I'm very productive and willing to change and grow. You have to give someone a chance. Because if you judge them by their imperfections, well, imperfections are ugly, that's nothing new. But the best of someone will not be found within their imperfections, of course.

That's what I told my mom. I probably made an entry about it, I don't remember. But she told me that she thought I would be alone forever because I had absolutely no compassion and it was impossible for me to get along with people. I think I mentioned that in a previous entry. In any case, I told her flat out that my entire life she had been my arch nemesis, and that the last person you would want to ask about my healthiest, most enjoyable qualities, would be her. If you wanted to ask about my worst qualities, she knows better than anybody else. But if you ask her to describe me, in general, she's going to have a biased description, she simply hasn't gotten to even WITNESS the best sides of me.

Though at that point I decided to bring my dad in because he has witness my most mature, productive, spiritual and philosophical self. All that I'm putting into my book, really. But he likes to stay out of family disputes and he was mostly bothered we came, so he ended up telling me that I was unwilling to change and blah blah blah. But at that point I could see that he was not observing me unbiased, or that he had misinterpreted something along the way because that was completely ridiculous of him to say. The whole premise of my entire book - which I've outlined for him - is that the universe, reality, perception, and manifestations within your life revolve, represent or reflect your mindset. It's not only what you SEE within reality but what you MANIFEST within reality based on your mindset, where your consciousness is at.

I think the entire purpose of life is to realize your responsibility, your power, your divine right and purpose to express your will power, to create. I don't think that we're a victim to a single thing but ourselves. I don't think that God makes the world turn, or anything else. I don't believe in fate or destiny or God expressing control over the universe. I don't believe in Mother Nature's own system, except how it reflects the mass consciousness.

The entire premise is based on the fact that WE are in control, thus, it is us who needs to open our eyes and realize that everything is in our hands. Everything about the psychology and the spiritual self is a product of free will. And thus, everything we manifest within our lives, within our experiences, within our perception and even within the world we live in is a product of our free will.

Any single thing that you're dissatisfied with is a product of your free will. We pretend it's not. We even pretend that it may be a product of our subconscious, but our subconscious is even out of our control.

In any case, relating to what my dad said... I told him that I could not prove to Amelia that she should have faith in me. In fact, with this car thing, I HAVE given her sufficient evidence. I have never put her life in danger. I have never come close to getting into an accident. She complains that I'm too cautious of a driver, even. That I don't make snap judgments. But it's not that I don't have fast reflexes. I couldn't say if I would unless I got in an accident. But I don't make snap decisions that will cause me to get in an accident. Okay, I have like three times. But I remember each time because I feel immensely guilty at my error. ...

In any case, I realize that Amelia's perception of me is not a reflection of an objective observation at my behavior. I can do nothing to prove to her what she refuses to believe. Indeed, I have proven to her to the best of my ability. I can't babysit her, catering to her paranoia. She needs to independently choose to have faith in me.

This came from when I wanted to move in with her and she said she couldn't trust me to pay rent. Or basically she just couldn't trust me. Which basically meant that she didn't want to live with me. Which we've both decided is fine.

But my dad said that I was unwilling to change because I would not cater to Amelia's paranoia. That I was not doing enough to prove to her that I was responsible. I go, "tomorrow I will call Starbucks and get this job thing going so that I can start having a steady income." and he says that's not enough. That's not enough to prove that I'm making responsible decisions.

Well, what the hell is then? It's not like I can prove to her overnight that I can hold a steady job for a year. Right? I have to start somewhere, but the fact that I started at all is proof to Amelia that I'm willing to be responsible and make this work.

But I know also that it's NOT my responsibility to change Amelia's perception. In fact, I can do no such thing. It's impossible. In Amelia is an attitude. Not an observation, an attitude. Of mistrust. Which I believe to be at least in part, a reflection of the fact that she has rigorous self-discipline and I'm a free spirit. She feels that if anybody doesn't have rigorous self-discipline that things won't go right for them.

I can't be like her. I can't be like her and make things in my life work.

But I mean, my parents told me that I wouldn't be able to get good grades in College. Because I didn't get good grades in high school. And I said, I didn't get good grades in high school because I couldn't. I didn't get good grades in high school because I didn't want to. And I want to in college. And I've gotten in A in every class but that stupid Figure Drawing class.

Drawing class. Aw, too bad I got a D in that class. Which is incidentally still passing.

The point is, I don't need to prove that I can get good grades. I don't need a track record to prove that I have the potential for something. People look at where I've failed and assume that it is where I will fail in the future. But to me, life is about change. It's about recognizing your weaknesses and your unhealthy aspects and ridding yourself of them. Because you are a product of your free will, thus your unhealthy aspects are a product of your free will. THUS, the easiest, most pleasant and quickest way to rid yourself of that which you don't want, is to rid yourself of that which you don't want.

And that's exactly what I do. I am a product of my free will, at any moment. And the best that I can do is analyze what it is, what logic is prompting me to be what I am. Which is why I have to uncover what logic is behind my self-worth issues. What is it that I think is logical about loathing myself? And why do I then take it to the conclusion that it's logical to be afraid, to be shy, to hide from people?

And my dad, who should know me better than anyone except Amelia - who is lost in her bias - says that I'm unwilling to change.

I laugh. I'm not even offended. I just laugh. How biased he is. Because he is not objectively getting that sense from me. There's no way he's reading that from me. In fact, it's entirely backwards. Because if the premise is that we EACH need to change to make things work, then Amelia should not be looking outside of herself for change, she should not be expecting me to change to adhere to her weaknesses.

So how does it even make sense that I should be changing for Amelia? I should be changing to make things better for myself, and she should be changing to make things better for herself.

And if being responsible when I'm responsible, even if I'm irresponsible while I'm irresponsible, is not enough to show her that I have the potential to be responsible? I can do nothing about it. She'll see what she wants to see. And I can only do my best.

Tangent, I know.

You want to hold people in the limitations of their flaws, especially when that's all you know. But that just isn't all there is to know about people. You can't judge someone's potential from their delinquency or bad behavior. You can't know what someone is like on their best days just from observing their worst days.

So I really couldn't say, could I? It's not for me to judge that some don't have that potential.

Yeah, this was all about me wanting to magnetize healthy people. I guess I'll have to just very subjectively say, that I want people whose unhealthy tendencies don't particularly conflict with mine. Or perhaps, don't reflect my own. :) Except, I'm okay with James reflecting my unhealthy tendencies.

It's difficult, I mean, we both want the other to make all the moves and do all the work. How the hell will anything get done?

But that's the challenge for both of us. If we both want anything to get done, one of us has to give. Or hopefully both of us will cooperate with each other.

It's his ex - Liz's birthday today. It's probably not the best day to have sex with James. I'm going with him up to his mom's house which is a couple hours away. But Andrew will be there tonight and I have the rest of the weekend to have sex with him. :)

I wonder if he'd like to spite Liz by having sex with someone else on her birthday.

Sometimes he doesn't seem to be malicious in that way.

But I know that to a certain extent he does power plays. So I reminded him that I was going up on Friday and he said I'll see you there, because presumably I was going to drive myself. but I don't know his address. And he said, I'll see you there like... hahahahaha you can't get there without my address.

So I said I would follow Andrew's car. And he said Andrew might not be coming. But then I remembered that I had sent him a postcard from Peru, and he gave me his address. Which I expected to be stashed in my lj, where I keep all excess junk like that. So I told him I had his address, so that I wouldn't have to beg him to give it to me, like he expected.

Although when I looked around June of 2006 I couldn't find it. So I myspace messaged his little sister and asked her for it. :) yesss. She gave it to me, but shortly after that James asked if I just wanted to tail behind him. And then he asked if I was only staying for a night or the whole weekend and I said if he wanted me to stay for the whole weekend I could just be driven by him.

I wanted to give him space, so that he knew if he needed me to leave that I could. Andrew leaves at noon on Sat and I wanted to have some time alone with James, cause nothing will ever happen while Andrew is in the room blabbing like last weekend. Although, ironically, the most that's physically ever happened did happen while Andrew was in the room. But it couldn't progress at that point, although it should have. IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN GATEWAY PHYSICAL CONTACT. I'm not entirely sure why it wasn't.

But I guess he's okay with spending the weekend with me. :) That's such a delightfully comforting thought. Because I am so damn okay with spending the weekend with him. I always have been, I think. But you can't spend the weekend with someone when they're not okay with it. It's nice to have him finally okay with it. It was so annoying wanting to do so many things but telling myself no because I knew he didn't want to.

So now I don't need to mapquest his address cause I'm driving with him. Even though I now have his address memorized. It's really easy. I think I even still have his area code memorized.

I want to sit on his lap. Except I'm afraid to squish him because we weigh like the same. And I'm fatter. He's got more muscle but on his arms, not his legs.

I think one of us was a mother to the other in a past life. Whenever I'm around him my stomach starts hurting. Nurturance deficiency. That's what a stomach ache has always meant for me. But I'm not sure it's mine. I thought maybe he had it with his mother. But then I realized it was probably more likely that he had it with me, I was probably his mother. Or he was my mother and I need it from him. Which would make sense since I'm the one who has always wanted his affection. He's the one who has mostly ignored my attempts.