It's agonizing... being "friends" with James. Like I try to give him space, I try to talk to him only every once in a while. But every time he doesn't answer I just feel like more of a stalker and I hate myself for it. I feel like such a burden. It's so unhealthy.

When I'm with him he's so easy-going and nice and although he could be thinking that he hates me, his body language and his expressions put me at ease a lot. But as soon as he's gone it's that same cold text/online thing, where I can't read anything but the fact that he's ignoring me.

He ignores a lot of other people too. It's not just me. But I'm so afraid he's going to do it again. Like, when I first came back, John was pretty jealous that I had gone skinny dipping... and I was really happy, I called it Post-James Euphoria. Because he does make me very happy when I'm around him. And I wanted to express that euphoria but I couldn't because it would only hurt John more.

But last night, I wanted to talk to John so that he could take my mind OFF James. Like he was on my mind in a euphoric way before and now he's just agonizingly on my mind. As I said, it's so unhealthy. I just can't put anything in it knowing I'm about to get rejected. Like I always expect him not to answer me on myspace or something and I go... yeah, I can handle it, I'm going to say something to him anyway. But then he doesn't respond and I just feel like such a... worm or something. It's so much worse than I expected. And you think, well, if you don't try, you're never going to get anything. Like, if I don't talk to him, it's certain that we won't talk, so I may as well try and have a 50/50 chance. But it sucks trying, it's always so much worse than I thought it would be to be ignored again, and I should just learn that when he's currently in that state, where he's ignoring me for 9 MONTHS!!!!! - that it's not a 50/50 chance. It's a 0-50 chance. And the only thing that breaks it is a party. Last time it was Heather's party. Now it's Andrews. :s

Now I just feel like anything I say to him will be a burden, any attention I give him is unwanted.

And eventually, even if he hangs out with me now, he'll ditch me again. :( Unexpectedly. It's upsetting.

I think I just had to get this out because it's been preying on my mind and if James comes over today I'm going to be euphoric again but probably only for a while..