Ugh. Good dreams about James. Waking up to reality has really put me in a bad mood.

I don't even want to, like, marry him or anything. I don't want to be romantically involved with anybody right now. Connecting on that level sounds less than appealing. But I do like affection. Not just sex, but affection. Body interaction. Connecting on that level sounds very appealing.

John has, of course, has been expressing romantic and sexual things to me this whole time. But I realized that there's nothing I can do about it because that's the entire nature of the appeal of friendship between us. We don't want to be friends the way I want to be friends with Maegan or he wants to be friends with Anthony. We want to be friends because we're sexually attracted to each other. So if we played like we weren't, there would be no point in being friends at all. But I'm not reciprocating. It makes me sick, that he's pulling this shit with me and Lyla again.

Like when he talks to you, it makes you feel like the only reality that exists is the one between the two of you. But no, he has a double life and thinking about how he willingly participates in it makes me sick.

I just want to cuddle with James. Not date him. He won't let me do anything, essentially because he refuses to connect or communicate with me on any damn level. It makes me so frustrated.

All I want is body contact. :(

With someone attractive. I would almost entirely enjoy Andrew, ugh, he's very attractive. More attractive than when I turned him down three years ago. :(

But he's not single. James is. I think I'm just running out of options. I'm back to what I had last fall, James and John. And both of them love to ditch me. Both of them are not fulfilling yet good company. Both of them don't like to give me my way. But what will I have when they're gone?

I want a new phone. I mean, I want the same phone. But a new version of it. In black. ...