In all its splendor.

MNM says:
I know that you're busy but I thought you should know that wanting to be right all the time doesn't necessarily mean that you want everybody else to be wrong all the time. I do want to be right. Jeezus, who doesn't? But I know, also, that two people can both be right even when they're contradicting each other. I don't want everybody else to be the loser while I'm the winner. I would prefer equality. I would prefer to have respect for everybody else. But they have to have self-respect. Something I can't give them.

John says:
theres no room for equality when i talk to you, and when you realize im right, you stop talking and say you have to go, so either way i lose
John says:
i dont want to talk to someone who makes me feel stupid everytime we speak

MNM says:
You know what the problem is with being a psychologist?

John says:
what.

MNM says:
You're the one (not the only) person who can help people. But if you're the problem, no solutions you offer will be taken, because you're already the enemy.
MNM says:
If I tell you that you're wrong, that I do want equality. That I don't want to push you down and make you feel inferior. You'll think that I'm just trying to be right, that I'm just trying to put you down and make you feel inferior.
MNM says:
You already resent me. And nothing I can do can make it any better because you'll only resent my actions and perceive them negatively.

John says:
because there is zero compromise with you

MNM says:
It has never been my intent to make you feel like shit. If I have done anything of the kind, it has only been in fear of myself, in trying to protect myself.

John says:
you cant agree to disagree
John says:
ive tride just letting myself go and talking to you, letting my "walls" down and just seeing how things go, and when i did that, at first it was fine, then you started making me feel stupid, so i went back to how i did in the summer, quiet and sullen, as you put it, and you didnt like that, so again i tried and again you put me down, so its like no matter what i do its a lose lose

MNM says:
I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.
MNM says:
I don't remember ever specifically insulting you.

John says:
its not like you flat out called me a stupid asshole, just the comments you make, the way you talk to me, you just make me feel like anything i say is stupid

MNM says:
That's not my fault.
MNM says:
Do you think it's your fault that it hurts me when you mock me? When you call me immature and say that the things I retort are grade school?
MNM says:
Was your intent to make me feel like shit when you said those things?

John says:
you make it seem like im just being mean when i mock you, if you cant laugh at yourself then that isnt my fault, you take everything i say personally

MNM says:
RIGHT BACK AT YOU
MNM says:
You make it seem like I'm out to ridicule you. If you don't believe that you're equal to me, it isn't my fault.
MNM says:
I treat you like you're equal to me.
MNM says:
I respect you.

John says:
its not the same thing, i know you hold yourself to believe that your at a higher knowledge then me

MNM says:
And if you take everything I say to mean the opposite, there's nothing I can do.
MNM says:
I don't think I have higher knowledge than you. I don't even care to have knowledge.
MNM says:
And yes, I do think I'm spiritually mature and wise. I never said I was more wise than you, nor have I ever gotten pleasure in the idea. If you want to be spiritually wise, all the power to you. But I'm not gonna pretend to NOT be spiritually wise just because your standards are lower.
MNM says:
And if you think you're spiritually wise, I'm not going to disagree. You don't need to compare yourself to me.
MNM says:
Nobody has to be more or better, unless of course, YOU WANT to be more or better.

John says:
i dont compare myself to you

MNM says:
I don't compare myself to you either.
MNM says:
So what's the problem?

John says:
just forget it

MNM says:
If that's what you want, then I will.

John says:
i dont want to keep talking about it, we arent going to get anywhere, there wont be any common ground and we are going to keep going back and forth, you know what makes me mad, or upset, so when you asked me earlier if i would want to know if you had sex, what do you honestly think i would say to you?
John says:
i just want you to answer that last part

MNM says:
I honestly wanted to know. I wanted to know if you would prefer me to lie to you.
MNM says:
Because I don't prefer lying, even if it hurts.
MNM says:
And the truth is, you have sex, and I'm not your girlfriend. I can have sex too.

John says:
no, i dont want to know what you wanted to know, i want to know what you really think i would have said to you
John says:
before i gave you my answer

MNM says:
If I knew what you wanted, I wouldn't have asked the question.
MNM says:
That's the point of a question.
MNM says:
And lately, you've not given me the time of day, so I didn't really think you cared.
MNM says:
And you said it, you don't care.

John says:
stop bullshitting me melissa, you know i dont want to fucking know, you know it fucking bothers me, you know i dont want to hear about it, so wtf.

MNM says:
Well, for the record, I feel like a lie from holding it back. From not telling you that I've hung out with James, for not being honest, for trying to hide things that will hurt you.
MNM says:
But if that's you want, I'll do it.
MNM says:
But I will not enjoy it.

John says:
so your going to have sex with james then?

MNM says:
You just said you didn't want to know!!

John says:
your going to do it right? youve already told me the plan, why not tell me with who?

MNM says:
I would have already had sex with James, the last two times I had a sleepover with him if either of us had been brave enough.
MNM says:
Instead, we just cuddled.
MNM says:
And yes, we've talked about doing it again, and taking it further.
MNM says:
Which is a good thing. Cause I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my fucking life.
MNM says:
Not all of us have year and a half relationships, John. And those who do, should not try to guilt the other people into being miserable.

John says:
whatever, i dont want you to be miserable, i dont care to know when or who you fuck either, you do whatever you want to do, i dont need to know about your personal life, thats not my business, just like mine isnt any of yours, and so you know, i would have asked you out already if you didnt have me thinking i was a fucking idiot
John says:
i wanted to go out with you, but how do you see that working out?

MNM says:
Don't lie to me again.

John says:
dont lie to you about what?

MNM says:
Let's just get this clear. I don't want to date you because you're a liar.
MNM says:
So there's no need to ask me out, or even think of breaking up with Lyla for me. Unless you were just going to try to establish two simultaneous relationships.

John says:
yep, im a big fucking liar

MNM says:
I am not going to listen to you bullshit me about how you feel once again.
MNM says:
I told you at the beginning of this friendship that you would not be able to handle it. That you'd want to cheat on lyla again. That you'd delude me and yourself again.
MNM says:
And you promised that you loved lyla more than anything and that you did not want to date me.
MNM says:
And here you are, leading me on again. And making ME feel like shit for it.

John says:
i dont want to date you, if you go up and read, you would see that i said, :I would have asked you out"

MNM says:
I don't think I did anything to keep you from asking me out. You were never going to.
MNM says:
YOU WERE NEVER GOING TO.

John says:
whatever you want your fucking brain to believe

MNM says:
Odd, how I'm deluding myself with the fact that you'll once again make out with me and go back to lyla, when you've already done it four separate times.
MNM says:
Odd, that I'm being stupid for not believing that you want to be with me more than Lyla when you've already lied to me about it four separate times.
MNM says:
Odd that you've lied to me, to Lyla, to me, to Lyla x 03894383783. AS WELL AS YOURSELF. and I can't call you on it.
MNM says:
You're the one who wants to believe its true when its not.
MNM says:
Everybody else can see reality.

John says:
no matter what i say, YOU will be right melissa, i really hate talking online, trying to explain myself, and its funny how you always wait to be online to argue with me, but when i speak to you on the phone you hang up

MNM says:
Odd, that a fifth time, you think you want to date me but it's MY FAULT you've changed your mind AGAIN.

John says:
i havent wanted to date you since the last time we hung out
John says:
i have no interest in dating you, or doing anything wtih you

MNM says:
I just wish you believed it.

John says:
believed that i dont want to date you?

MNM says:
Yes.

John says:
i do believe it, i dont want to date you melissa, but again, you will be right, so i guess i do want to date you?

MNM says:
You don't want to date me. Otherwise you would have when I gave you all of those opportunities.
MNM says:
But you keep telling yourself that it's what you want.

John says:
i dont want to date you lmfao wtf dont you get?

MNM says:
What don't YOU get, John?

John says:
dont turn it around on me, wtf dont you fucking get

MNM says:
..

John says:
yea dots, dude im gonna go

MNM says:
And for the fifth time, our friendship ends.

John says:
are you ending it

MNM says:
I don't think there's anything left in it to make me want to stay.
MNM says:
I think there has to be more love, less fear, less hate, more respect, more compassion.

John says:
i think tonight we both came to a realization, we dont want to be with each other, at least not anymore, if you dont want to be friends then whatever, thats all thats left, i honestly right now dont care what you do with other people, you can tell me, and i wont be offended
John says:
you go live your life, have relationships whatever is missing in your life, go get it, enjoy it, love it, i hope you get what you want

MNM says:
k.
MNM says:
bye.

John says:
so
John says:
we arent friends anymore
John says:
?

MNM says:
We can go back to doing what we've been doing.





WOW. Am I crazy? Did he not just say he was going to ask me out but I ruined it? And did he not then say 'I wanted to go out with you but how is that going to work because you make me feel like shit'?

And then when I said, that's bs, you always say you want to date me but you have never taken the chances I've given you and yet you still tell yourself its what you want. You refuse to admit that it's not what you want, except when it comes time to actually do it.

And he says, I don't want to date you. I haven't wanted to date you since, like, Feb, when we made out AND I WENT BACK TO LYLA. I want nothing to do with you, what don't you get?

And I want to scream, WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT? WHY ARE YOU SO BLIND?


In other news. Reading Jame's text where he says "hi mnms. how are you" gives me the biggest goofiest smile. It's a nice smile to have right now. It's like the smile I get when I look at Isis's pictures.

You know, a couple weeks ago, I had feelings for John too. But then he started flirting with me. And I knew that despite all he'd promised me that he did not have any feelings for me and he loved his gf more than life itself and he always wanted to be with her and he merely wanted friendship with me - none of it was true. And how can I respect or want to be with someone who can lie to themselves so openly, so ridiculously?

How can I believe anything he says when he lies to me so openly and ridiculously?

So it kind of drained away. And I can't remember if that was right before Andrew's party or right after. It was probably after. It had nothing to do with James. But talking to James again helps my resolve.