C'mon! Every where I look there's one friend or another having a baby or getting married. It's nuts. And I think it particularly bothers me because I'm jealous of... it's hard to explain what I'm jealous of. I don't like it when people have better lives than I do. Like if someone I'm competing with meets a celebrity or goes to Europe or something. I hate it. I'm fiercely competitive and with nearly every one. I like to have an imagine that people can be jealous of. So it goes without saying that the things I hope people are jealous of in myself are what I'm jealous of in other people.

Except, I'm not ready to have a baby or get married. I don't want to have a baby right now and I'm not even a little bit close to getting married. And I don't want to have a foolish life. Not all young marriages and young pregnancies are foolish but I'm definitely not ready to be fully independent and taking care of a baby would force that. AND I don't want to get married to someone quickly. And since I have absolutely nobody in mind... I can't even imagine trusting and depending on someone enough to marry them. I have nobody reliably in love with me. That isn't a pity statement. It's just true. I've never had someone that I can count on. I don't know what it's like to have a marriage partner. The point is, I'm so far from getting married because I haven't even met anyone yet.

But these other people are jumping at the chance to get married and have babies. And I'm jealous, I suppose. But scared, because by saying I'm jealous I'm saying I'd rather it be me pregnant or married. And yet I know that's not what I want. So I get really anxious every time I hear about someone getting married or pregnant, someone my age, people who I've gone to school with. At last that's what I think it is.

Brooke is both married and pregnant. I've known her since she was... 9? or maybe 8. That's what brought up my feelings, again.


I keep neglecting my plant. :(