Before James slept over last week I sort of believed that both of us were largely attracted to each other and yet way too shy to make a move or profess anything. I didn't assume that he had feelings for me and I've not admitted to having feelings for him, either. But it's almost like, it didn't occur to me that we would be friends for any other reason than that we were sexually attracted to each other.

So he slept over and we didn't cuddle. And it seemed natural for us to cuddle because that's what two people who are sexually attracted to each other and sleep in the same bed do. Even if they don't romantically like each other, they often still play on their attraction. I guess because I often see friends who seemingly have no physical attraction to each other and that's why they don't make a move. But perhaps they do have an attraction to each other but because of lack of romance, they don't make a move. This really didn't occur to me until moments ago.

Because I'm a female and to be honest, we fall in love like it ain't no thing and then we dramatize it to be a huge deal, and it scares guys. But honestly, it's a lie. We want that intense love naturally, for some reason, and that's why we fake it. A lot. Guys don't value it as much, so they don't fake it as much. And that's why we often scare guys away because we so readily admit to love when they don't feel it. But really, we're just telling ourselves what to believe. That's my honest generalization of women.

So my point is, sex and romance are tied together with women because as soon as it seems that we're sexually attracted to someone we jump at the opportunity to believe ourselves to be in love. So when I'm hot for a guy the first thing I think of is what it would be like for him to be my boyfriend. It doesn't mean that I am so much more madly in love with James than he is with me. It just means that I make the conclusion that James wouldn't because he would stay in the realm of pure sex, without romance. Do you see what I mean?

In any case, this is all relevant. Because perhaps he is sexually attracted to me but readily accepts that he's not going to get with me and simply wouldn't try unless he was interested in me romantically. I think that he might feel that to hit on me, to cuddle with me, would be to send me the wrong signal. And this is honestly just a theory that I can't prove or disprove unless I ask him, which I probably won't cause I'm shy.

So after he slept over and didn't cuddle with me, I asked him why he didn't cuddle with me and he didn't answer, which led me to get the feeling that he, honestly, doesn't feel the way I do, so aware of our sexual tension. That's simply it. I always assumed that there was shitload of sexual tension between us and that it was only our shyness that kept either of us from acting on it. But perhaps James doesn't see us that way. Perhaps he sees me as an attractive woman but recognizes his distance from me.

This proves another difference between men and women. Women often stay loyal to men. While men often check out women around them freely, even when they have a wife or a girlfriend. And this is because, men recognize their boundaries. They can see a beautiful woman but recognize that she isn't his to touch and hopefully he recognizes that his wife is his and he prefers it that way. But he can still identify yummy curves and sexy cleavage, no? But when women see something they want they make it their goal a lot quicker. They set their sights on it and they wish it to be theirs. Gimme attitude. So when they have a boyfriend, they hardly open their eyes up to other guys because that would be overstepping their boundaries. Because their boundaries are simply defined differently. Although I'm trying to allude to a trait by giving examples of tendencies that women have. A lot of women would still check out other guys, but this is my way of contrasting the existence of this trait, so bare with me.

Is this making sense? It's making perfect sense to me but I'm not sure that I'm explaining it fully. I was talking about something in Sociology yesterday, I mentioned it earlier but didn't explain it. In any case, I just realized that this completely relates to the topic, they intertwine and shed light on each other, but I'm too bored to go into detail at this moment, so you're not getting the full extent of my perception on the topic.

I guess I assumed that James and I were more likely to have sex than he was with anybody else besides Liz. But perhaps he doesn't feel that way. Perhaps he sees me as just another woman that he finds attractive but he'll never have sex with. And I just didn't see him like that. He's not a stranger to me that I find hot but I know I'm never going to hook up with. He's like at my disposal, I'm just too shy to make a move.

So that's what I think about when we hang out. I'm aware of the sexual tension. I feel like if we were both drunk, we'd end up having sex because it's merely our inhibitions that have kept it from happening this far. But maybe he doesn't assume that. He might not think that I want him and that's solely why he doesn't assume we could hook up if someone were willing to make a move but whatever the reason, I get the feeling that I'm off limits to him, much the way an ordinary friend would be. Even if he does want to see me naked.

And hanging out with him and everybody else on Sunday really brought that forth because Accalia was there and he has a bit of a crush on her and I know it but she doesn't so even though she was there she didn't notice when we would allude to his crush. But we would, we exchanged knowing looks and things of that nature. If I were the object of his desire, I would be Accalia. But I'm the friend that he can talk to about his object of desire. So even though I know he would still have sex with me at the drop of a hat, my friend role was brought out.

I assumed all along that us making out was an inevitable conclusion to our hanging out. It was only a matter of time before it happened. But perhaps our platonic (it took me like ten minutes to recall that word, I finally found it on wikipedia) friendship is not a prerequisite for a passionate love affair. ,) Maybe it will always be what it is today, a platonic relationships, ignorant of our sexual attraction to each other. I guess it's just that we've been building a friendship in a way that we haven't ever before. So I knew that we were creating something, thus, it would grow. I just didn't think it would grow in a way that would not inevitably become sex. Ha.

But both of us have had to confront that issue because James was dating Liz for a couple weeks and I was going to date John for a couple weeks. And I'm sure we both had to acknowledge that our friendship had to stay platonic while we were with someone else. But as soon as John was out of the way, I was back to lusting after James and I can only wonder if he had to make the same change with Liz and without Liz as I did with and without John.

So the entire point of all these paragraphs was to explain how very different I see him and I in this hour. I think about him sleeping over again and how asking him to cuddle with me would be so weird. Because the sexual tension sort of told me that we both wanted it but wouldn't ask for it. And now I feel like he doesn't think about it or want and I guess we're just simply friends. We recognize each other's sexual appeal but we're off limits to each other. So the idea of us cuddling is just strange. It doesn't feel right. And whether my opinion will change back soon or not isn't the point. I don't illustrate my feelings to tell you how I will feel tomorrow. I just find my feelings intriguing, especially when contrasted with my prior feelings. I like to identify when changes occur. They let me better enlighten myself on what I'm really like. Without the contrasts I wouldn't be able to understand myself very well. Big defines small and vice versa.

My brother always uses the term "it occurred to me" and I love it. Because instead of explaining what he believes or what he's like, since those are such absolute and limited ways of explaining things... he says that at one point in his life something struck him. And whether he disagreed later or it changed or whatever, it still, at one point occurred to him...

And that's how I write. I never write with absolutes. I find comfort in writing what occurs to me, what strikes me, what thoughts stand out in my head. And I sometimes feel apprehensive that someone will assume something concrete about it. Like that it's how I am, or how I represent myself or what I believe to be the truth. But regardless of the truth to what I say, I like to put down what occurs to me. No matter what it can later be defined as...