Maybe, we who want what we can't have actually don't want it. And that's why we choose what we are less likely to receive. I guess some people do it because of what I said a bit ago about the chase or desire being better than the result. But I'm thinking of myself most particularly and I want to be in a relationship but I'm afraid of being in a relationship, so I go after guys who have girlfriends because their girlfriends are the key to not getting what I'm afraid to have. It would be too obvious to not wish for someone to be with. I would be a weirdo. But instead of wishing for people available to me, it's easier to go after those who aren't available to me. Then I'm assured that I won't get what I want but secretly don't want.

I know it's redundant. And it's kind of irrelevant. I was just reading Liz's survey and she says she's single. And I know that it's very likely that they broke up within a week because they have that kind of history together, on and off.. and that James wouldn't have mentioned it to me if it did happen. And I'm just wondering if I'm glad or scared. Because he was just over tonight and it's easy to wish for him when I know I can't have him. But if I can have him, am I going to wish for him knowing that my wish might come true and that isn't what I want??

Not that anything much would be different. He's been "together" with Liz for a really long time and it's emotionally stood in the way of James and I ever having a thing. He can't seem to emotionally want anybody else but her. And yet, he doesn't seem to particularly emotionally want her either. Almost like he stays with her because she's safe. I'm not really sure how much he loves her. But who am I to know.

It's just, if they're not dating, I'm not making another guy cheat on his girlfriend. So I could, say, give James a smooch and I wouldn't expect it to be emotional but at least I wouldn't have to feel guilty for our lust.

I'm just thinking aloud. I'm so bored. I can't sleep, I don't want to eat or watch TV or read or do a puzzle or anything... There's nothing to do so I read Liz's survey.