I miss James... I want to cuddle with him and have him near me making me happy. There's a particular fondness for him that almost wasn't there before I found out he had a girlfriend. I guess that there were things that I was apprehensive about that kept me from getting attached to him. And somehow, him having a girlfriend, makes those things disappear.

I think it might just be the same old thing... now that he's taken, there's no risk in being fond of him because technically the worst has already happened, he's already unavailable. It's safe to like him now because I'm doing it while knowing what I'm getting myself into. There aren't any surprises.

I KNOW! I'm a huge hypocrite... I want to kiss him so badly. All because he has a girlfriend. I just feel safer now.

But safer, and yet more attracted to him. Ugh. lol.

I feel so imbalanced about this love/relationship deal. It's like I worked really hard and now I can fake it excellently. I can be in love, I can be a good girlfriend, I can be balanced and healthy and fair and devoted. And yet, I know, still, that I'm faking something.

Or maybe I'm making a problem out of nothing?

I just know that my perception of human relationships and interaction is messed up. The way I see myself in an interactive situation with someone else is messed up. Something is off. And maybe I don't deserve to be in a situation where I can safely fake it, because that wouldn't provoke me to challenge the problem.

I'm just not sure how to fix the problem. I can't really identify it or its aspects...

Lately I've been feeling kind of disconnected to the major parts of myself that give me confidence. I guess the special aspects of my personality like my philosophical and analytical tendencies. The things that made me stand out and that most people didn't really even understand. I think that's because, so many people rejected the other, more simple parts of my personality. And I could ignore that when I began finding my passions in wisdom and psychology and the like. Those aspects that give me the edge.

But maybe I needed to step back from my dependency on those things for love and confidence and I need to find confidence in the most basic parts of my personality. The most basic parts of my emotions and my humanity. The parts that are rejected by so many people in my life. I need to acknowledge that all these people reject these aspects and say, so what?

Those complex aspects that gave me confidence weren't touched by the majority of people. I didn't really want that many people to know about it because if I did, then the could open their critical mouthes. It just so happens that most of them are dumb enough to not understand my philosophies and wisdom, lucky me. That's also what gave me a sense of pride in those aspects. Because they were unique but also valuable.

But ever since John, although this may just be a coincidence in that I became disconnected from these aspects at the same time as John, instead of because of John.... I've just felt less confident about my unique and brilliant aspects. Like I've felt so crummy about my book. So afraid of that power that I had.

But I don't think it's for ever. I think that I just needed to identify with some of the basic parts of my personality that deserve to be loved and cherished. Like my brilliance told me that I had earned my own love. Everybody told me that I was worthless in the beginning but then I earned it and I didn't allow anybody to take that away from me. Maybe now I need to step back from that which leads me to feel accomplished and bond with the most basic and rejected parts of my personality.

I don't know if I'm doing it, but you have to wonder how I can be sitting in bed and all this comes to mind. Sometimes I think there's no way I could make these explanations up...

But even if I did... I'd still be lovable. I think that's the point I'm trying to make, right? Who cares if I'm not always right or correct? Being wise or correct isn't what makes me deserve love.

So I was thinking, comically, if John comes back to me, how I can be certain that I can thwart his attempts to fool me again. Cause telling him that I don't like him anymore doesn't work. It doesn't convince him to go away and it doesn't convince me that I want him to go away.

The only way I can be sure to not get involved with him is to freak him out all over again. Not another drawn out week or two of slow discovery. Like we're friends and we slowly move up to lovers and then we kiss and it freaks him out and he's gone for a week or so and then we start the process all over again. No, no, no. I can't put myself through that again. And I'm not even sure that's what he'll end up doing.

But then I realized how simple it is. All I have to do is as soon as he starts talking to me, tell him I'm madly in love with him and that I really want him to break up with Lyla. It'll freak him out and he'll be gone again.

I'd say that I'm not sure he's coming back but I think the pattern with John is indecisiveness. And I could be self-loathing and say that he's merely indecisive about being with me but truth is, he's also indecisive about Not being with me. Even though I'd like it if he was strong and emotionally healthy enough to stick to his word and be happy with Lyla... I'm not sure it's going to end up that way.