Subject: To: Melissa
Body: Listen...i know that you probably dont care what I have to say, and i wouldnt be surprised if you deleted this before even opening it, you have every right to do so, especially since i said i would stay out of your life. I just have a few things that i wanted to tell you.

I know that I fucked up, and i dont deserve to be your friend, you let me into your life twice now, and both times i fucked it up, but thats what I do i guess. I fuck things up. I shouldnt have left so abruptly without explaining myself that night on AIM...I just couldnt do it...I made a joke about calling you up to see what you were doing(the day after we hung out) and she started crying, I couldnt hurt her like that, and you shouldnt be hurt either, so dont think that i think of it that way. Lyla has been through it all with me, she stayed with me while i was in placement, and when my grandfather died, and when my parents died...she has never done anything wrong to me, at all...and i cheated on her. I liked you alot Melissa, i still like you, that is part of the reason why i just left, because i know that you would be hurt, and i dont like it when you hurt, especially if im the person that causes the pain...i hate it. And im sorry that it happened, that you got hurt, i hate myself for that..and no im not asking for your friendship again, and to forgive me, thats just pointless. I dont deserve you, in any way that you could be.

The other reason why i figured i would write to you, is because its a definate that im going to New Jersey. I cant live here anymore, my cousin is too much, im basically a prisoner in my own home, i might as well be back in placement...

Well thats all i wanted to say Melissa, and again, im sorry. And you dont have to write back to this, all i really want is for you to know my side of things and to know that im honestly sorry for all of this..

Im sorry
-John-


It does me absolutely no good. His apologies and explanations were inferred from the start. Maybe it eases his guilt but it doesn't make my life better. Making him a good person only makes me less able to deal with the situation anyway. So I'm going to forget about this letter. It does not make me happy. It hurts me more today than I have been all week.