Well, I have an hour to kill... I have a test to study for but it's really easy studying. It's French. So instead of information, I've merely memorized some phrases and food and drinks and etc. I didn't realize how simple it woud be until I reviewed everything, which took five minutes, without breaking a sweat. So anyway, I usually read Pride & Prejudice at this point. But I forgot it... you see. And it wouldn't matter if I had more to study, but I don't. And I'm not really hungry either. So here I am rambling.

So anyway.. I don't know what to talk about because truly there are so many choices to choose from. I haven't really been detailing anything. Everything just feels squishy and messy... I don't know how to explain it. It just doesn't feel good the way it used to. But damn you, I have a whole hour so...

Well, my car broke down. Don't know why, at this point. I drove the saturn to school today. First time driving standard alone. It's not too bad. Bothersome, if anything. It feels all wrong though. The position of the seat is low. The stearing wheel is all over the place because since I don't seem to have power steering in my car, the steering wheel mostly stays in place, unless you, with definite force, turn it. I'm used to my car, so the car swerved more than I'd like it to, merely because I didn't hold the steering wheel steady AND I leaned on it. My car's steering wheel would stay straight.

So apparently I'm used to my car... It died on the way to the library. It had seemed a little iffy a couple times earlier that week but it hadn't officially shut off in the middle of my damn driving until I went to the library. But as soon as I put it in park and turned it back on I was good to go. Truth be told, I still have back up vehicles, so I'm a little sad that my car has problems, but not exactly worried. The only reason I bought the car was because I hate standard, my parents won't let me use the company van, and the green van has that ezpass issue.

Isis is really sweet. Her mimicking never gets old. Lately she's been holding the phone up to her ear and making "hewo" and "hi" sounds. And some other stuff. I don't think she realizes that the reason we put it there is because it's near our ear and then we can listen to the person on the other line. If you get on the phone and talk to her she doesn't really listen to your voice or respond. But she keeps lifting the phone up to her ear and sometimes her shoulder and talking. She even did it with my remote control this morning. I guess it kind of looks like a phone.

So, that really hot guy, named Mike, from my Sociology class is here in the lab right now. Mm. But something I honestly have to remember is that, initially, I can be impressed with someone's looks. But what sustains it is their personality. A guy has to have a hot personality. Something that intrigues me, attracts me. Otherwise, their looks get old, really quickly. There was a guy in Spencers yesterday who was soo yummy. He had a tattoo of a four leaf clover behind his ear, near the top. Weird place to put it, but I love clovers. There's another guy in my English class who has a celtic cross tattoo. It's beautiful. It's like maybe three or four inches long, on the inside of his arm. But it has so much beautiful green in it. I want to get a closer look. Tattoos don't generally impress me. But green stuff does, honestly.

Mike is with a girl who was just in my Western Civilizations class. She glared. I saw her glare at Roger a couple times and then someone else. She stands out because she has a mean look on her face. It's one thing to stare. It's another thing to glare. I'm not sure if that's just the way her face is or if she actually was thinking mean things at the time.

It's a small world.

Yesterday I hung out with Tony Sullivan's little sister. He is Jesse's best friend. Jesse is Amelia's semi boyfriend. Semi, because he's away in the navy. But they talk on the phone a lot. Tony used to call me Avril. First name basis. Class clown. All of his attention towards me was mocking, though. Although attention is pretty much always flattering to me.

Her name is Accalia. Lovely name. James has the hots for her. She's actually not bad. Usually, I either have to like someone, so I'm not threatened by them. Or I have to put them down, so I'm not threatened by them. It's hard to explain. It's just the ugly feeling I get when I've been around most people I know. Girls, particularly. I guess what it was is that the last couple years, when I've gone out with friends, it's been with Kristen, Kyle, Lindstrom, Maegan and Shannon. So I've had a lot of emotions swimming around and it's almost like my perception of myself is distorted during these times, because I'm trying to impress someone and I hate it, and I feel like I'm coming off too boring or showing off too much. In short.

But this time I was with Andrew, James, Accalia and umm Yohannes (German exchange student). Maybe James just puts me at ease. I adore being around him. Don't know what it is about him that relaxes me and pleases me but it's been constant pretty much ever since I've known him. He slept over the night before last. And in the morning he planned to go to Dennys with Andrew and whoever else was coming and I was talking to Andrew on aim about it and I hinted that they were mean to go have fun and leave me behind so he asked me if I wanted to come. People never invite me places. Like I'm not the party girl. Or the girl to ask out to dinner. Or the girl to ask out to the movies. I don't understand.. but whatever.

In any case. Accalia is strangely not threatening. You would think she would be since James likes her but James doesn't instill those types of feelings inside me. It's like I have little to prove, little to be ashamed of, and little to compete for around him. Even when he makes fun of me, I don't feel threatened or defensive. I rarely get mad, when I'm around him. I get mad at him online all the time. Cause he ignores me to play World of Worcraft. Damn game. In any case, I didn't bond with her, but I didn't feel any conflict between us, either. I didn't feel like she was threatened by me. I didn't feel like I was competing with her. I didn't feel like she was better than me, either. It was strange.

James likes to drive everywhere. No distance is too far. We drove to Athens to pick Accalia up. Then all the way to who knows where, past Albany and Rensaleer just to go to Dennys. Then back to Crossgates in Albany. Then all the way through Coxsackie to go to Catskill. Crazy kid. But whatever floats his boat. I think it's just something about having a car, having the freedom to make those decisions that gets to people like him. Last year, James drove to Coxsackie from Hoosick every once in a while but he had to wait until his mom could sacrifice the van and she uses him for babysitting A LOT. Me and his little sister got along fabulosly. :) He should invite me to sleep over. Which he has.. but he waits until he's there to mention it so it would be up to me to find my way to his house. It's nearly a two hour drive.

My point is. I wonder all the time why James and I are such good friends this year and we weren't last year. I can't tell what it is. I can't tell if it's him, if his views have changed, if his views about me have changed, if I've changed, or if the circumstances have changed. Who knows why things are different. But they are. And one of the things that stood in the way was that he lived in Hoosick. But maybe when he has his car, he'll be better able to drive to Coxsackie when he wants. Or vice versa, if I wanted to hang out with him. We've just hung out so much in the past couple months.

I kept telling myself, this past week, that if James intended to sleep over that I would tell him that he had to spoon with me. Because the last time when I couldn't sleep. It's like, when someone invades your space, your bubble, but gives you comfort - since intimacy is generally comfortable and sexy... it's alright that they invaded your space. But when you're that near someone, who is invading your space, but you can't hit home run, you know, you can't go all the way... you're almost in an awkward, in between, place. Like you're on the verge of that amazing comfort that comes with intimacy but you're not there.

I wasn't intending to propose that we made out or anything else. I just wanted us to cuddle. It seems realistic. Almost like nothing else exists, sex or romance. Just cuddling, devoid of either... all on its own. I don't know why. When I really think about it, cuddling is all about sex and romance. But whatever. I didn't think it was necessary with James. It seemed almost practical to just cuddle with him. But, alas, when the time came, I knew I couldn't do it. Could Not breech our silence on the subject. Deathly afraid. I'm trying to work on the overload of fears I've been getting lately. So that's another story.

In any case, I slept between the wall and James and it was sooo comfy. My pillows were positioned so that my torso and head were actually lying on top of one of the pillows and a second pillow was giving my head some lift. It was sooo comfy. I wouldn't normally sleep like that if James wasn't there, you know, I wouldn't purposely squish myself. But I loved it. Although I had a lot of weird dreams and one of them, wasn't exactly about James, but it was about spooning. Like my thoughts on spooning were invading my dreams because I really, really, really wanted to be doing it. Like I can't stand being that close and not doing it. And since the last time he slept next to me I also had that dream about kissing him, well, I'm just thinking it's impossible to sleep next to him as if I'm sleeping alone.

So the next morning, hahaha, I sent him a text message. Well, he was sitting right across from me but I sent myself a text on his phone and then I sent one back to him from my phone. He didn't answer. So then I started talking to Andrew on aim about it. And James knew we were talking about him and probably knew what the topic was and he wanted to know but I wouldn't let him read it. Andrew was giving me advice on the subject... although none of it helped. In any case, I think I made the topic clear. Even though, if there is a next time, I'll still be deathly afraid to mention it, at least James will know that it's what I'm thinking about and maybe that will help me. James and I have cuddled before, I don't get what the big deal is damnet. It's just so necessary...

My French class is coming up. Hopefully I will do fabulous on the tests because it prides me. I've taken a couple quizzes so far and it's a tiny itty bitty ego stroke when I'm the first person done and when it comes back with a nearly perfect score, etc. I got 100% on the Sociology quiz I took. I get my Forensic Science quiz and test results tomorrow, hopefully. And then I take the French in a half an hour. I love it. Good times. I was born to succeed in academia.

But I just couldn't make myself do it in high school. I am so, so, so glad that I did not fail a grade though. But, generally, at least in NYS, you don't fail grades, you fail classes. Like I had to repeat Biology and French 2 because I failed the course. But I was still in the original grade. To drop a grade you really have to fail a particular number of classes, or fail before high school. I'm just glad that I can still mention my skipping a grade with pride. Although I don't generally brag about it or mention it at all, it exists on my record and that's enough to make me hold my head up high, even if nobody knows why.

I tend to be very vain and yet very defiant. Like I care how I appear to others, but I don't care what they think of me. Because when my real flaws are exposed, things that I personally dislike about myself.. I'm, generally, ashamed when others also realize it. However, when it comes to a difference of opinions, I don't really care what anybody thinks of me. As long as I'm satisfied, so be it. I don't feel pressure to conform to other's likes and wants. I could care less. But if I have a huge red zit between my eyebrows, speak of the devil, I actually have one now. Ha. ha. ha. No worried, I covered it up with make up.... but when I have something like this, I get very insecure in public, because I don't want anybody else to see. :(

I love Pride & Prejudice. Have you ever read a fiction novel that has background information or details about the setting and you're like GET ON WITH IT. A writer has to decide what is relevant and interesting to a story. And often, I could care less about most of it. I ignore it. I read it but I don't process it. But with Pride & Prejudice, the background is always gossip-like. It's background information about the previous interaction at hand or some analyzation of one of the characters.

It's difficult to put in words but it's almost like, if I could choose what I wanted to know about these characters, more like, if I were there, the things that I would surmise, that would make my thought processes happy, are the things that she writes about. Even when I have to slowly read the paragraph to make sure I understand who has done what or said what, I love to. I don't want to miss any of it. She has this way of summing up all the good things. Summing up what exactly that interaction meant. And maybe all fiction writers do this, but less so. Her summaries just speak to me, honestly.

I honestly think it's her lack of setting. Nearly all of it is conversation. One conversation after another. And a couple paragraphs in between to set the character's thoughts in motion, but even then, it's almost like we get the character's opinions on the other people or the conversations. Maybe that's it. Most people seem to like the shallowest levels of life. For instance, a mere conversation. But my favorite thing to do is talk about what I've experienced. I like to share my opinions and experiences ON the experience. I like to say what it means to me, what I've figured out about the situation. I like to judge and detail the people who I interacted with. That's just the way my mind works. And it's seemingly the way Jane Austen's mind worked as well. So I'm enthralled with the book. I can keep going.

Plus, I mean, Elizabeth? Yeah, that's totally me. The spirit of me, at least. The untraditional, defiant, self-respected, strong spirit. She probably has more guts than me, I'm such a chicken, plus, her time had many more restrictions than mine does. But I agree with the moves she makes. I salute her, if you will. And I relate to her. AND, I relate to Darcy. I don't know what it is but pride intrigues me. It's crazy because I fight ego with all that I can. And yet, pride still survives in me and when I see it in others it kind of makes me smile. I do hope, in my lifetime, I will overcome my pride... be sure of that. But I like Darcy for his pride. I like Elizabeth for her strong defiance and him for his pride.

I think what intrigues me is that he loves her regardless of his pride. Maybe that's it. I like when emotions seem natural. Even though I don't believe they are, logically... I like the idea of despising someone only to find out how attracted you are to them. It isn't likely to happen to me. If it did, it would be with Shannon's boyfriend, Stogner, but I am positive that that wouldn't happen. We just have the kind of interaction that would be hate, prone to love. However, I have better control over my emotions than that. If I hated, I would hate. I wouldn't feel hate and mean love.... it's too bad. But I relate to Darcy and I think he's adorable for it. So the two favorite characters have such interaction. Man, I love it.