So I do dream about other people besides James. Yesterday morning I had a dream about Jeremiah... Long story short, he was at my house and he told me that he had liked me since last semester. And I told him I liked him too and asked why he hadn't informed me earlier. He said he didn't get the feeling that I liked him. Which is no surprise.

So then we kissed.. It was kind of a weird kiss. I could feel his mouth but not his lips. So it was like I was sinking into oblivion. I always have really weird kisses in my dreams, I'm sure that symbolizes something. Things didn't feel as "right" as they did with John. My body against John's body felt, like, in sync. It just felt right, as did kissing him. It wasn't like that with Jeremiah. But I think we were still gonna date and we did a little cuddling. I think I woke up in the middle of the cuddling.

The other day I saw him, but I was on my way to class and he was talking to someone so I just chimed in, Hey Jeremiah and kept walking. And he sort of turned to face me when he said hi, almost like he would have talked to me if I'd stopped but I was in a hurry anyway. And I hoped it wouldn't be the only time I'd see him but it has been so far. Amelia told me when I got home that she'd also seen him and they'd talked a little about how she was in the tech hall because that's where her massage therapy classes are and blah blah.

And that's just how it is. I always ignore the cute guys that I secretly want to talk with and she's always willing to smile at them and make conversation and ask them questions.

For me, it's shyness that keeps me from making conversation with strangers and it's also power games. And it's also shyness. For instance, the other day Amelia and I were walking to the parking lot together. We had separate cars but I was just going to drop something off in mine then join her. So we were walking and I pointed out that the guy in front of us was really hot, and then we split off. And he seemed to have turned on his alarm with his keys, which he quickly turned off. But he sort of said something to Amelia, like smiled at her or said it was an accident or something, I'm not sure what he said cause I was past them.

But I was like grrrr... as soon as I step off they exchange words! And it's just such an obvious reminder of the fact that I don't make eye contact with people cause I'm shy, so I'm kind of cold and distant and when people are deciding if they're going to make any kind of contact with a stranger, some of them who are probably on the edge about it, wouldn't say something to me, who sends out horrible signals, as apposed to Amelia who smiles and laughs and gets really quickly interested in other people's lives. Yeah, I'm the snob who acts like she's got better things to do than find out where someone works or some such thing. Even though, it's not always true.

But actually, the other day at school I was feeling so sad and lonely. Because it's one thing to not have strangers talk to you but I saw like 20 people from my high school. I swear, at least 20. Usually I see maybe five. And despite the fact that I pretty much knew every single one of them, I couldn't say hi to a single one of them. And it just made me feel so sad. Not only because they weren't talking to me but because they were talking to each other. Nearly every one of them was paired off with someone else from C-A.

So on my way to class I smiled at one cute guy, who smiled back, and I made noticible and pretty much steady eye contact with another cute guy, who made noticible and pretty much steady eye contact with me as well. That really made me feel better.

And I realized that the problem was not that I was lonely. I don't often get lonely. I don't mind being alone and people are more of a hassle than a pleasantry. But I don't like to be ignored. My ego, my pride do not like feeling insignificant. I like to be noticed. I like to be appraised. I like to be in a room and realize that everybody is aware that I'm there, but that I don't say anything to anyone. It's sort of like, I want to be seen and sometimes heard, in general, but I don't want to waste my time on any of them. I don't know if that quite explained it.

That was my problem with Jeremiah. I didn't want to give him attention, so I didn't talk to him. But I wanted him to notice me and to hear my answers when responding to the teacher and etc. And he did notice me but he didn't seem to be interested in me, which I largely contribute to the fact that I neither seemed interested in him. Not to say that he would have been in love with me had I shown some interest, but he's a friendly, conversational guy. And he would have given me some attention if I'd been responsive. But I wasn't.

It's kind of a queenly consciousness. I want to be the center of attention, but I want to be stared at, not stare at people. I want everybody's eyes on me but I don't want it to be a two-way street. I'm too good to give anybody else attention.

It makes me sound a touch horrible but that is, honestly, my mindset. So all the people from C-A acted like I didn't exist. And I'm actually trying to make friends this semester so I'm a little sensitive when I want people to make conversation with me and I get nothing. Not that I particularly feel like I'm missing out on their friendship, except Chet's, cause he's awesome. But they are an easy target. We already know each other, we already have something in common, easy conversation... etc. And if I can't even make friends with those dopes, who can I make friends with?

So I did feel lonely. But it wasn't that important to me, thus, it was easily remedied by cute guys giving me some attention. I usually don't smile or make eye contact with cute guys. Like I said before, I'm too shy and I prefer to be noticed, than to notice. But I had nothing to lose so.. And I don't even remember the first guy, the second guy has an ethnicity that stands out so I could pick him out of a crowd.

Anyway, I'm sitting here rather naked so I may as well go get dressed and eat and clean my room and kill the phone cause the sound is making me have a headache. Yeah, that thing should leave my room for the weekend. My parents are gone until Monday so nobody is answering the phone, since we know it's for them. Amelia pisses me off. I want to scream at her for a few things... like walking down the hall with those fucking heavy stomping feet. I HATE IT.