Sometimes when I'm masturbating it's easier to get off when I don't think about sex. If I rub my clit and think about something random like what I want to eat or a French homework assignment, before I know it, I've gotten off. And, today for example, sometimes I can't get off when I'm thinking about sex so the only way to get off is to not think about sex.

So I had another dream about James. It was actually about a lot more than James... some guy next door who I pissed off and Amelia and possibly Stephanie were in the dream too. But towards the end of the dream James was going to go to sleep and I suggested we share a bed. I think we were in a hotel with the rest of the gang, and that's why I figured it would be easier to share.

And then he told me all the things he didn't like about me. He nitpicks at peoples flaws. He was here last night, for real. And I always give him shit for picking at all the little flaws that people have. So I guess that was integrated into my dream. I won't say what the flaws were, cause it's simply embarrassing to talk about flaws.

But then he said that he wanted me anyway. It reminds me of Darcy, saying that Elizabeth was ugly and then saying, but you know what, I'm strangely attracted to you anyway. So James listed all my flaws and then said he wanted me anyway.

And then I was going to kiss him but I avoided it for the moment and planned to do it later. I don't know... I think the dream took another turn cause Stephanie came home. Or whoever it was.

I went to sleep right after James left so maybe he was fresh in my mind.

He was kind of cocky when he came here. I don't really know if I'm just exaggerating but I told him about the dream that we kissed, like, yesterday or the day before. I hadn't told him about it, the dream that I had when we were sleeping next to each other and I kissed him - even though it was like two weeks ago.

Maybe he was just as cocky as he always is and I only supported it by the fact that I had my confession of the dream on my mind. I don't know. I can handle cocky. I'm just not sure I like it.

Anyway, I'm 100% sure that I would love to have his body pressed against mine but I'm 60% sure that he would disappoint me if we slept together. Well that's confusing cause we already have slept together. I should say that I'm 60% sure that he would disappoint me if we had sex together.

He reminds me of Mike. I don't know what it is that makes the cute ones lacking passion. Maybe it's just that guys who aren't as cute have to supplement the "sex appeal," meaning, what beautiful people can rely on, with passion. You know what I mean? Someone can be less than beautiful but you can still have passion for them regardless. Maybe beautiful people can rely on beauty or sexiness to stimulate them.

I don't know.

Anyway, he's kind of reserved so it's difficult to tell what he would be like when having sex. That's why I left 40% out. But there hasn't been any evidence that he would be very intense, urgent and passionate. On the contrary.

But, hey, what do I care? He has a girlfriend.

Ooh I'm terrible.

I can't help but want what I can't have unless they cheat on their girlfriend.

It's just, when I asked James about who he was dating, I asked if it was Liz or someone else. And he said "I wish it was someone else... kinda."

Not that I believe it was anyone specific that he wants besides Liz, I just think that he realizes that he's been attached to her for five years and there are a lot of other people out there that he could date if he had the guts to try. Which he doesn't, which is one of the main reasons that he's stood by Liz even when she had other boyfriends.

Him saying that kind of gave me a little... boldness. Like I would feel guilty if I was talking like this and I knew that he loved Liz and didn't want to think about anything else. But that's not exactly the way it is, thus, I don't feel like I'm doing as much wrong.

How does that happen? I finally lose Dan and I find John within a month or two. And then I finally lose John and what do I find that very weekend? Reliable, single, James has a girlfriend now. And now it's just the very same thing. It's not cool.

I don't know why I keep drawing to me these guys. Well, I know why I'm attracted to them, but I don't know if that's the reason fate handed them over to me. I just know that history repeats itself until you learn your lesson and it feels glaringly obvious that I have not learned my lesson.

Well, I could talk about other dreams, my classes, James some more or all those random things that pop into my head that I love to share with my blog.. But I'm kind of out of it this morning. I'm not even usually in it during the mornings.

I don't know where Isis is. Maybe she's sleeping but this isn't usually the time. However, she went to sleep really late last night. 9PM. Usually she goes to sleep at 7. But Amelia decided to exhaust her before putting her to sleep... no doubt because she can't put her to sleep otherwise. I'm great at it, though. I put her to sleep at 7 and within seven or eight minutes she's passed out. I'm not bragging... I told Amelia my secret and she desperately refuses to use it. She's weird. So, whatever... I just think Isis's schedule will be a little off today.

I guess I'll go shower though. That always cheers me up.