I want to be alone!!!!!!

I'm at school... and I have books that I'm eager to read. And it's like, no matter where I go there's someone talking or joking or laughing or singing or something. I just want SILENCE. I want to concentrate. I want to lose myself in my books, I want to have all the ability to concentrate that I need to have to understand Jane Austen's way of explaining things. It's from a different time, man, people don't talk like that anymore.

Lately, I've been giving off a humble impression. Like today I told my teacher that I didn't know half the words that we'd pulled out of a short story. And in sociology I was explaining how women identify themselves through relationships, such as boyfriends. And I wanted to say that I was speaking objectively of women, not subjectively. If I define myself through relationships, and I've had so few friends and so few lovers in the past two years, then, well, I haven't had much self-worth have I? But I have. I was speaking generally. The general tendency of a female... which nobody could learn.

And the other day when I told Roger and Ashley that I dropped out... to come to college early.

I keep wanting to tell people that I skipped a grade. I want people to know that I'm a writer, that I'm an intellectual. That I havn't needed a boyfriend or a best friend in relatively two years.

I think it's this French thing. I don't want to get into it but suffice it to say that I took a test, I got a B, and I hate getting Bs in college. I'm fucking frustrated with the test. And I pay attention, do my homework, and study, so even though I could have prepared myself a little better, what frustrated me was that the test was sort of an unfair judge of skill. There were things we hadn't learned on there and things we couldn't have anticipated. It wouldn't have been impossible to succeed, I just would have had to put in more effort than I did. Which I certainly will next time cause I'm not getting another B!

In any case, I felt frustrated and failed. Not failed the way you'd think but failed in perfection. Obviously a B is not a bad grade. It's an average good grade though and I don't like to be average. Pride is my middle name. It's weird I say that. But lately I've been coming to terms with my pride. Hopefully, this will lead me to rid myself of pride but to do this I have to acknolwedge its existence. And it does exist. I have a lot of pride. And I pride myself on my extraordinary intellect. There are those type of people who do well in school because of hard work. And I'm not one of those people. I don't succeed because of hard work. I succeed because of my adeptness to intellectual topics.

True, I can spend hours doing homework, these days. I honestly think that puzzles have given me some patience for time. I'm better able to take things slowly. Although it doesn't help the urgency in my driving, I get that from my mom, obviously. Fucking slow Athens to Catskill drivers, I hate you...

In any case, the point is, I do not feel, in the least bit, that I am giving people the idea that I'm a failure. However, I feel like I'm giving them a humble version of my achievements. I want to add in, to everything I've said lately, my reputation. I want people to know that I skipped a grade, that I have a good-sized vocabulary and that I love to use it in my writing. I want people to know that dropping out of school was not evidence of a failure but proof that with two years less schooling than an average high school graduate, and at age 16, I went to college and battled topics far beyond a 16 year old's level of relevance.

And it's pride. The reputation I probably have with people I've recently met simply isn't good enough. And to look at it objectively, I probably have a pretty good reputation, if anybody cares to take notice of it, not that everybody would.

I think it's just this French thing that really got me down. Almost like, my record no longer speaks for itself, I now have to speak for myself. Even though nobody even sees my test results, it's not my vanity that's helped, it's my confidence. I don't need validation from others, that's not how my vanity works. I don't need, although I sometimes enjoy, having someone confirm my.. talents, if you will. I just need the fuel for my confidence. I need to know that if anyone so chooses, they will see that I'm this or that, which have positive and enviable positions.

It's like, I don't need someone to tell me I'm pretty, I just need to know that if anybody looks at me, they won't be able to think me ugly. But it's based on my own standards. Which seems unvain, but I find I'm still vain, even if I don't value the standards of the people judging me. As long as I can satisfy myself, it does satisfy me. Even if someone disagrees.

In any case, I walk around with the confidence in my intellectual ability. No one looking at me knows my intellectual ability unless they have previously learned of it. But I walk around with the pride of having these abilities. It doesn't always matter if they're known, it simply lets me walk around with my head high. Because I know that if anyone tried to find out, they would find out good things. I have no shame.

This has defintely been exposed as a bigger deal than I consciously allowed it to be. It's not really ailing me, that people don't know my reputation. I was simply trying to explain those silent impulses in my head that are reminding me that I am putting myself in a humble position with those around me. And my ego would much prefer if I was boldly smart. I don't even need to brag, I just need to speak out truthfully about myself.

But it is bragging in cognito. I think bragging is defined by the relevance of its being brought up. Which is why I haven't yet told anyone that I skipped a grade. When people ask when I graduated I'll say that I didn't. And when people ask me how old I am, I simply say 17, and nothing else. It's just I've also said things that have given me a humbleish reputation. Like that thing about not knowing half the words. I wanted to tell her that I didn't just know half the words because I'm an average teen who doesn't pay attention to vocabulary and could care less what "tepid" means... which I just looked up because it's the only word I can remember from earlier today... And next time I read a story with that word I'll know what it means. See, that's what I wanted her to know. I wanted her to know that I didn't know the vocab and yet, I'm the type TO know vocab. I'm the type who loves to learn knew words and is eager to pay attention to writing and language.

We had read a story the first week of class, when my teacher was out because she was having surgery on her ankle. So we discussed the story with the dean of admissions. And the next class we had a really "ugly" story. A story that had a good purpose, I learned that class period, but was, initially, a boring and twisted story. So when our real teacher went around the class asking us what we thought, I told her that I didn't like the story, I thought it was twisted and pointless, but that I did actually like Young Goodman Brown. Because I wanted to show her that I wasn't the type of teenager who is generally just bored and disagreeable about books and stories. I do value books and stories. And since Young Goodman Brown was apparently known to be a disagreeable story, or a story that many don't enjoy because it's hard to understand and whatever.... I was proving that I can even respect a generally unlikeable story. And it wasn't a lie.

And for the record, she had asked the very first student if she liked Young Goodman Brown, so that's why I volunteered the information, knowing she was interested. :) See, relevant information, thus, not exactly bragging. Even though if I were to brag it probably wouldn't be as small as merely enjoying a story, eh?

Anyway, I guess I'm done. I was just buying time since I was getting really annoyed that my mind kept being drawn away from my story with the sound of all these strangers with meaningless (to me) lives. I just didn't give a rats ass about anything they had to say and yet, even when I didn't listen to them, I simply couldn't tune them out. Their words brought them to my attention and took away my ability to comprehend what my eyes were scanning over on the pages. And I tried to think of all the places around campus but, except for ths student lounge because that's rarely used by students, I really couldn't imagine a place for me to read. Ooh. I could also go to the study lounge. It's a tiny little place with bare walls and a table. Nobody goes in there! Perfect. Next time...